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  • It was my 30th birthday. I was feeling good- drove to AZ with the top down. Got a killer suntan (which I never do), and wasn't hung over, a lovely habit of birthdays past to break. You see, I'm just too mature for all that now... not to mention wise. Yes, I officially became wise that morning. It was pretty rad. So, anyway, I went out with my mom in Scottsdale, AZ to celebrate the big 3-0. She took me to the "hippest" place she knows of... a.k.a. the only place she knows of Eli's, or as I like to refer to it, 'Cougar Central'. It was a cute place in all, I mean it's frickin' huge compared to any place in LA. I could've played a round of golf in there, but it started to depress me a little. I was like, thanks Mom, is this what I have to look forward to? Will I one day have leathery skin and bad makeup to go along with my blond hair and fake boobs the size of watermelons, because I'm trying as hard as I can to detract from my withered face and still be sexy? What are you trying to tell me here woman? I know you birthed me and it was a painful experience and your vagina is probably still mad at me, but this is just cruel and unusual punishment. But then, amidst the Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri fields a light appeared from heavens and the hottest Cougars I have ever seen in my entire life took seats at our table. Granted, they did have watermelon sized fake boobs, but despite that one faux pas (it is Scottsdale after all), they were 'classy' from head to toe; stylish, but not in a, "I bought this outfit at ForeverSlutty1 this morning" sort of way; well put together- no tacky bleached porn star hair- no bad make-up choices, just some hot to trot confident 50 year old women- and these women had some dance moves too! Thank goodness Eli's provides some live music... You'll be in heaven if all your favorite songs are from the 1994 top billboard chart... I kid, but not really. Anyhow, these Cougars sorta put me to shame on the dance floor. So, on with it, I watched as gross middleaged out of shape men, one after another, pursued these hotties with passion in their eyes, and these bitches be like, "NEXT." It was rad! So, the moral is: there isn't a fucking moral, but this was my experience at Eli's and Cougars are A-OK.
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