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  • Ahh, the Downtown spectacle that puts the "FREE" in Fremont. I always take my unsuspecting tourist friends down here first before subjecting them to the Slap-slap happy madness that is the Strip, just to see the looks on their faces when they find out the nature of the history lesson. "It didn't look this way in the brochure, where's the pyramid thingy, where's the green MGM, why is....WHOA DEEP-FRIED OREOS? COOL!" I was here before summer hit, around March. Still cool enough to wear a long-sleeved shirt, not cold to the point of dried-out contacts. At the time there was a holiday theme of sorts (what holidays are in March? Hmmm, Dead President's Day? Wtf?) or maybe it was just the cheesy Stars N' Stripes part of the overhead show taken one step further. Whatever the case may be, I soon got a yard drink and a icy foozball drink and was getting woozy from the paint fumes from the Spray-Painting-on-the-Sidewalk area. I motioned to the group to follow me to scope the sounds ... there was a band playing on the big stage, busting out the 80's hits with a powerrarrrful female vocalist ripping up "Barracuda" and "Listen To Your Heart," and a very heartfelt rendition of "Must've Been Love." Silly me, all singing along to this last number with my eyes closed, really Fucking Feeling It, when they go right into the most beautiful and timeless lyrics of all time: Someday love will find you Break those chains that bind you One night will remind you How we touched And went our separate ways If he ever hurts you True love won't desert you You know I still love you The lady next to me was yelling at her husband, "wow it's Yerni! Yerniiiii!" I suddenly felt very ill at ease, as if I was about to be gangraped by a bunch of rotting lepers. The 151 in the drinks was also pretty nice. Shit, by this time I had greasy Twinkie oils all over my face and I was practically sobbing into my empty yardie.... Damn you, Fremont, for making me so emo this early in the year, so goddamn wonderful this Downtown thing..... Then I took 'em to Tao and slept in the car while they, the two bouncy azn beauties and their Denver boy toy, played "So How Many Penises Am I Holding Up?" with the line. Or at least that's the story was the next day, those rat bastards. Done and done, dun dun dun.
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