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  • I took my relatives here yesterday afternoon after they had been out since 10am at other shopping places, including the Forum shops, Miracle Mile, Town Center, and the other premium outlets at Grand Central Parkway. Wow, just reading that last sentence tires me severely, a very blatant example of mall-name-drop histrionics. But yes, a little backgrounder. Whenever my kin come in, it's like a plague of consumer locusts descending upon Lake Commodity. The males stay in the casino while the females conquer...I once called my auntie Jess "Jesus." When she asked me why, I said it's because Uncle always has to throw dice for your clothes. She laughed and caught herself just in time to tell me that I was destined to be a stand-up comedian. In Hell, where people ball up their feces and have impeccable aim. Anyways, Nuestra Familia had the Shopping offensive playbook synced on their blackberries and iphones, and I was but the hapless driver. As always, conversation turned to how quickly Vegas was developing and the increasing traffic. Being that I'm from SoCal and they NY, I had to do the smile-and-nod routine. The 405 isn't a freeway: it's "parking in groups", right? When we get there after showing off my quick-n-nimble construction-navigation skillz, I asked what more could you possibly find here, there's already too much junk in my trunk? Who else could you possibly buy a "Vegas = Tranny? I'd hit it!" shirt for? But they were Determined. I hung out on the benches across from the nondescript food court, texting and checking email while feeling bad for the kids trying to make the mechanical ducks and old-skool coin-op rides actually work. An hour passes by, then another. I'm starting to get hungry. Wtf? Where are they? Is it really THAT interesting? Then my nephew pops out of the Famous Footwear store with two boxes of fresh kicks and the biggest smile on his face. He calls my aunts and cousins, and they meet up with us next to a kiosk (I made eye contact!!!! Noooooo!!!!) vendor. Everyone's happy. When everyone's happy, I'm happy. Oh yeah, I scored insoles. How Exciting, oh my gawd! Hence the four stars. Let's just please not do this again for another year, k?
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