I was first drawn to this hospital because I had to pick a place to give birth 20 years ago and I figured the Catholic way is the no-nonsense way, you know: Push, scream, wipe, and then take it and go. I don't need to be coddled when doing a chore (Women's College with an allocated mid-wife swaying a tannis root potpourri over your third eye). And I didn't want to end up at that hospital known as Caesareans R Us (Mt Sinai) because the obstetrician-on-call had a golf weekend planned.
I successfully gave birth to two baby heathens (we are not Catholic!) at St.Mikes and could not be have happier with the delivery service and the care of the nurses.
Years later, in The Age of Internet Oversharing, I had my very first colonoscopy. This procedure is that thing you have to have do at a certain age and if you don't, you're a pussy. It's middle aged hazing is what it is. To prepare you take 4 poop tablets and all night long you drink 4 litres of poop "prep." Then you poop. All night. It's not all that bad because you are bristling with the excitement knowing the next morning you will have an anal probe and cookies after. The ultimate day.
The Endoscopy Clinic at St.Mike's is well run machine. You check in and you wait your turn. The very idea that motley group sitting in the waiting room was more or less voluntarily going to have the most intimate of procedures kind of blew my mind. THE CHOCOLATE STARFISH FEDERATION UNITED! Thoughts that run through your head in a hospital should probably not be shared but this is Yelp and we are all friends here.
Everything was explained in a letter that was mailed months earlier. The key to success is in the prep and directions were very clear and the length of time time your hospital visit was estimated 3-3.5 hours which was exactly right.
The nurses at St Mikes and administration at the endoscopy clinic could not have been nicer. Anal probes are their business and they were extremely gracious about it, to the point it almost seemed normal like getting your nails done. The nurse who injected my fluid pack, which would later contain the painkillers, laughed at my jokes and eased my anxiety. Dr. Irvine, who performed the colonoscopy, was equally jovial and explained clearly what would happen and that the drugs would make me sleepy, not turn me into a werewolf. Or an exotic dancer.
Funny was the nurse who helped with the procedure said to me: "You seem agitated." I know, right? I suppose she performs these so often that she can be non-chalant about sticking a camera up a stranger's butthole but I'm scared out of my mind! I get freaked when a dude slips a pinky up there during foreplay, I DON'T EVEN WEAR THONG UNDERWEAR.
But I sucked it up, lay on my side, and accepted the narcotic drip into my life. Narcotics...THAT is the answer, I felt nothing, emotionally or physically. I fell asleep (as they inserted the camera hose), into that kind of submissive sleep you drift into when you are watching Mad Men on Sunday night. I woke up minutes later to what looked like a close up on something on Top Chef during the calamari challenge. You can watch the procedure on the screen which is AWESOME. Nothing hurt, the whole thing took 20 minutes but it felt like no time at all.
Afterwards they wheel you on your bed to a room with the rest of the recuperating Chocolate Starfish Federation. They let you sleep some more and the nurses whisper in your ear: "It's okay to fart." And the low notes of relief fill the room.
And then you get cookies and juice!