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I must preface this review with a simple statement: I'm not a fan of buffets. There's just something about them that tends to turn my stomach. The dried out food, all those people rifling through the chafing dishes, dirty kids, it just doesn't normally translate into a good dining experience. But this place, this unassuming place, it managed to play fast and loose with (some of) the rules. Here's the $13.99 rundown. Hong Kong King Buffet. Where to begin. It was Christmas and we knew our options were limited. Chinese just felt right. The bright red letters, still managing to glow brightly amidst the washed out parking lot lights, looked imposing. The "G" was burnt out. Hon Kong King Buffet. The concrete lions guarding the entrance. The empty fountain in the foyer with dirt-encrusted coins lining the bottom. Empty probably because the fish that typically inhabit it wouldn't appreciate the Cleveland winter. Enter here but don't walk straight in - that's the exit. Turn left then right. That's it. No smiley forced greeting. It's a heavily accented "Merry Christmas" a grab of the menus and a short trip to the booth. The large, open dining room is filled with tables, chairs, booths and efficiency of space is the key. There's not a wasted inch. A massive chandelier hangs as the centerpiece guiding you toward the dizzying array of culinary stereotypes that await you. There's not a single Chinese take-out menu item that hasn't been represented here. Row upon row, protected by sneeze guards, brightly lit. It's a Chinese food greatest hits album. Here's a sampling: General Tso's chicken Sweet and sour chicken Chicken and broccoli Pot stickers Crab Rangoon Sesame chicken Fried chicken wings Spare ribs Beef and broccoli Chinese donuts Pork egg rolls Chicken on a stick White rice Vegetable fried rice The list goes on from there. If you like to play fast and loose with your gastrointestinal tract there's also a mélange of seafood options with everything from clams to lobster claws and, dare I even mention it, sushi. Brightly colored cubes of white and pink fish, tightly packed rice enrobed in salmon and cod basking in the light of their display like raw fish jewelry. I didn't take a chance on them. The beer options are like the freedoms afforded the Chinese people in their homeland - limited. Don't worry, there is the ubiquitous Tsing Tao (pronounce it ching-dow if you want to impress your waitress) and the usual light, fizzy yellow macros. They even have wine if you want to kick your buffet experience up a notch. Finish your dinner (two plate limit on seafood, please) there's a dessert bar, too. It starts, strangely enough, with multi-colored shrimp chips and then hits its stride. Cream puffs, chocolate chip cookies, finger food versions of chocolate, carrot and angel food cake, and sticky coconut macaroons. They are dry, of course, but worth a nibble if for nothing else but to round out your experience. The food was predictable and, for the most part, tasty. It's exactly what you'd get from most of the Chinese take-out places around the city so there are no surprises. The service is quick, professional and curt. Your empty plates will be cleared nearly as fast as you can say won ton and your waters will never be empty. The meal finishes with fortune cookies and the check. As you're leaving be sure to say hello to the koi swimming around in the big tank next to the claw machine. They'll appreciate the attention. Hong Kong King Buffet, for what it's worth, you will be forever part of one of our Christmas memories.
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