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| - **** 4.5 stars ****
One of the great miracles of Las Vegas is that you can eat like a fatty fat fat all day every day and still go to pools surrounded by gorgeous plastic-pumped women and sing nonsense like "Sexy And I Know It", regardless of any absence of truth to that assertion. Holsteins provides the perfect venue for stuffing your face on delicious patties of top quality beef while also getting an eye full of the local ladies. Unbeknownst to me at the time, the same chef is behind this as Public House, where I had dined the night before, and his love of squeezing his employees into clothing that might be mistaken for a table cloth was much more prominent here than there. The décor here is also just dope. I love the slightly sick toons on the walls, and there are homage to pigs and cows all around. If you look at most of the complaints here it's from people who didn't actually order a burger, so I suggest you take those reviews for what they are, and don't make the same mistake.
But, since it's Vegas, you will still stuff your face to the maximum in front of this beautiful bevy, knowing that you're helping to pay for their salary so that they can go to the pool tomorrow and pretend guys like you don't exist (until you buy them a pitcher of margaritas, then you're superstar hero of the next couple minutes, congrats). Brian and I both took the luxury route on the menu here, although I passed on the Billionaire Burger with Kobe beef, foie gras, port onion marmalade and truffle mayo, because I've already had half a dozen burgers like this across America and they all taste roughly the same...rich and oily. It was honestly more difficult passing up the Rising Sun burger, a truly unique combination of Kobe beef with a teriyaki glaze, nori furikake, crispy yam, spicy mayo and tempura avocado...super intriguing, and if I had been dining with someone I was dating I likely would have tried to persuade them in that direction. Somehow I managed to also resist ordering a decadent milkshake, perhaps because we were eating dinner just 4 hours after we had managed to roll out of bed for lunch.
I finally wound up deciding on the Gold Standard burger, a dry aged beef sirloin patty topped with smoked bacon, aged goat cheddar cheese, tomato confit, baby arugula and a garlic-chive aioli...nothing too crazy, but lots of big, bold, wonderful flavors, and at $18 the most expensive burger not topped with foie gras. The result was pretty fantastic, definitely one of the better burgers I've had lately, and came with a monstrous basket of nicely done sweet potato fries (for a supplemental charge). My biggest complaint, which is kind of random, is that they skewer the burgers with their own stupid little logo stick to keep the bun on for presentation, which has the resulting effect of causing huge gobs of mayo or sauce to squirt from the hole in the top every time you take a bite. Eating these burgers is a mess, to be sure, especially when you add on a fried egg as I do, but if you're like me you've already realized you're not taking one of the voluptuous vixens home (although my reason is probably different than yours) so you've resigned your face to more indulgent pleasures, like egg yolk, garlic aioli, and hamburger grease.
Just make sure to thoroughly wash your beard, or your own lady might catch on...and get jealous.
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