Thanks to these reviews, I knew exactly what to go for: Toast Soldiers.
Not only did it satisfy my hunger and stave off any potential hangover (along with a diner-standard mug of coffee), but I got a plastic army soldier out of the deal!
More attractive and stylish than your typical diner and food comes out in a flash - perfect for instant gratification. Even has relatively healthy options like opting for salad with vinagrette instead of fries. Not your typical greasy spoon.
Now I just need someone to teach me how to eat a soft-boiled egg properly.