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| - Note: Cash Only!!!
Heed my words.
When you go to Mike & Tony's, order the gyro, the french fries, a beverage, and nothing else.
Do not deviate from this path.
I made a fatal error one evening last week prior to the Exodus concert at The Rex Theater.
After debating where to go eat with my fellow metallions as we waited for The Rex's doors to open, they all swayed me towards Mike & Tony's, a franchise I was acquainted with and whose low prices were too tempting for this cheapskate to resist.
Why didn't I order the gyro after relishing it once before at their other restaurant?
In the name of Yelp and wanting to try and therefore review something different, I ordered Souvlaki.
Gyros don't take long. A young man with hair long enough for me to wonder if he was depressed over having to miss an important metal concert just doors away utilized some sort of hand-held electric slicer with a disc for a blade, whizzing and whirring away at the lamb loaves flicked by small orange flames, manufacturing flaps and flaps of grey-ish, speckled protein. He crafted at least 10 gyros as I sat in a wobbly chair at a wobbly table sipping on a Hi-C watching coverage of the recent Boston Marathon bombings unfurl horrifically.
The more my Souvlaki was delayed, the deeper the feeling of potential disappointment sank into my heart, paralleling that of current evens. I watched the nuggets of pork being neglected and could almost smell them burning as news of the dead and injured flashed on the television.
When the sandwich arrived in front of me with no plate provided, my hunch proved correct.
The meat was the consistency of a door stopper. It felt as if I had stolen a 100-piece o-ring set from a plumber in a fit of insanity and was trying to chew a handful of them. The pita bread haplessly crumbled upon each bite as chunks of elastic beef spilled out of it, bouncing...bouncing off of the table's surface, nearly scalding my mouth.
"We have no idea right now who did this or why, just to reiterate," I heard a male, middle-aged voice state coldly, his deep, authoritative voice resonating throughout the busy restaurant.
With 1/4 of the sandwich left to eat, I hurled the rest of the sham into a trash bin and left angrily.
"What's wrong, man?" One of my buddies asked. I was silent.
"What happened? Didja get the gyro?" Matt knew something was amiss.
"No, I uh...got Souvlaki."
"What??? You dumb-ass!" The sound of a dozen groans and half as many hands smacking against foreheads could be heard.
"I need dessert," I blurted flatly. With some more time left to spend and wanting to leave disappointment behind, I headed over to The Milkshake Factory for comfort.
A lesson was learned: Just order the gyro at Mike & Tony's. Exploring the remainder of their menu will result in grief, one that cannot be compared to that which was brought about in another state or is rained down daily overseas by our military but grief nonetheless.
P.S. I should note that I've also been to M&T's Downtown Pittsburgh location and had a much better experience, their gyros being very moist, tasty, generously appointed, and filling (that tzatziki sauce could use a little more zip, however). Not ordering the gyro was folly.
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