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| - Admittedly, I had prepared to hate this place with a passion you only see in the movies.
The name just screamed "flax seed and watercress salad".
Not that I'm hating, mind you. I'm sure the same people that just had a foodgasm thinking of flax seed and watercress will look right back at me and go "raw fish? chinese-mexican fusion? GROSS".
I just realized that's the first time I've ever used the word "fusion" to describe a restaurant. I finally feel like I'm grasping the intricacies of foodie lingo.
The next test is to say the word "shi shi" in a sentence with a straight face.
When we sat down in the purgatory of warm, earthy tone-laced interior design that was the restaurant, the waiter informed us it was "soul food night". Normally, when some restaurants say it's "blank blank night" that usually mean that's what the special is or that it's a bargain. No, at Urban Tea Loft, "Soul Food Night" means that's all they're serving.
We all ordered what we thought would be amusing forays into "Chandler nightlife with a hint of elegance" or some nonsense.
After browsing the extensive tea menu, we settled on a pot of Rooibos Chai, iced.
The waiter brought out a pot of lukewarm tea and three glasses with ice in them.
Kay......
I realize, in retrospect, that serving the ice separately was the wiser move, but I remember feeling really confused at first.
It'd be like saying "I'd like that on the rocks, please" and the bartender gives you your drink in a martini glass and a shooter full of ice cubes and lets you at it.
Actually, that's not "like what happened" at all. That's EXACTLY what they did.
In its defense, the tea was magnificent. Fantastic, really. It was spicy, creamy, and smooth. I almost wish we could've afforded to order more of it, but we just had to try the food. Stupid hunger.
For 13 dollars I got a meager filet of shake and bake catfish, a cup of watery coleslaw, and a cornbread muffin. And not even the puffy, scrumptious muffins you find in grocery stores.
No, that was not to be my fate. The muffin was barely poking out of its holder. I remember being upset that for 13 dollars they couldn't even be bothered to take it OUT OF THE FUCKING PAPER, but I realized that was for the better; the moment I took it out of the paper, the muffin disintegrated into crumbs, and I spent the rest of my meal spooning it up.
The coleslaw was soggy. Yes. I said it. Soggy. I know, right? How can something that sits in mayonnaise all day be soggy?
I DON'T KNOW EITHER!
Perhaps I've been spoiled on British and German cole slaw, but I expect it to have a bit of a crunch to it. It's not boiled cabbage, after all. It's not wrong to expect some life in your slaw.
And not to call a "tea loft" that serves soul food unimaginative, but c'mon, where's the creativity? Where's the apple or pineapple chunks?
Usually with such a pretentious atmosphere you get a little "experimentation" with the menu to make it seem "urbanized".
Oh well.
The catfish, while crunchy and delicious, just wasn't filling. Again, in their defense, most places that serve fish try to gip (sic) you on it.
No wonder people stick to Red Lobster. It's corporate and soulless but at least you don't have to hit a drive-thru on the way home.
Look, I know we live in a land-locked state, but it's not like you're fishing for the damn thing yourself. I don't see you out there with a harpoon. Don't try to fucking fool me.
Misty S got the vegetable plate for 9.75. By far I think the best deal. Sure, it's just a bunch of little trays of sides and is even less filling than the aforementioned meat entree, but you get twice as much of the "New American" feel and flavor.
Fun Fact: Having spent my childhood in Europe, I was raised to believe that fish does not count as meat, and I still have a hard time remembering NOT to suggest sushi to my vegetarian friends.
So, come for the tea, and stay to pay for the bill. BUT ONLY FOR THE TEA.
Anything else and you're just wasting your money.
Which can't be that bad. Everyone's doing it these days.
Amirite, GMC?
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