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| - I ... just.... where do you begin in this trifecta of evil?
1. THE WAIT STAFF HATES YOU. My friends are a cross section of college students and childless drunks, which means I've found myself at Dianna's too many times. First, I'm pretty sure there is only one waitress who works there. We've affectionately nicknamed her Top Knot because of the Dr. Seuss like three foot high bun atop her head. I've never met a woman who takes more pleasure in creating misery than her. Will you split up the check? NO. I'm allergic to this, can you make it without it? NO. Can I get a to go bag? NO. Will I see you again within the next 3 hours? NO. This isn't what I ordered. YES IT IS. (Yes that last one was a real example.) I have seen the Devil himself, and he likes scrunchies. Also, like other reviewers have said, it is not at all uncommon to witness screaming matches amongst the staff.
2. DEAR LORD THE OTHER DINERS. The last time I ventured to Dianna's was New Years Eve. I was the designated driver and every person in the car wanted to go out to eat. Despite the fact that I would have been willing to drive just about anywhere else in the midwest everyone insisted on staying local. Well, the selection of 24 hour joints open on New Years Eve in Lakewood is pretty slim. Sweet Christ, we ended up at Dianna's. I now know that one must never go to Dianna's past 3pm but at the time I was unaware. I was using the restroom when a drunken rhino in a Deb party dress began beating down the door and screaming, "GET OUT! YOU'VE BEEN IN THERE FOREVER!" I hadn't even turned around from locking the door yet. I also say beating down the door not to be colorful but because THE DOOR WAS ACTUALLY COMING OFF THE HINGES. I tried to ignore it, as best I could, and finished using the restroom and washing my hands, the irate failed genetic experiment beating on the door with her full body the entire time. I'm surprised the staff permitted that as it is right by the entrance and hostess station, the whole place could see her. When I left the bathroom I saw a scared hostess and also saw that the woman had actually cracked the door. That level of PCP intoxication is totally acceptable at Dianna's! I realize some of you may be reading this and think to yourself, "Oh wow! This would be a great place for me and my hipster friends go on a Bukowski-esque people watching adventure at midnight when we are all half in the bag!" NO. NO IT WON'T BE. It is more likely to depress you. Then you might get stabbed.
3. IS THIS EDIBLE? Well, no, not entirely. But you did pay for it so I guess you should eat it. I'm not sure how, even with a whopping three other people in the place, your food will still take an hour to arrive and be cold. They ask you how you would like it cooked but really that is just a rhetorical question. The answer is wet yet burned. I actually am a scientist (what with the college degrees and whatnot) and work in a lab. I can say from a scientific and mathematical stand point that this confuses the shit out of me. I expected Denny's quality initially, but no. No. I prayed for a week old Eggs Over My Hammy after eating here.
Please... Please... I beg of you, go anywhere else instead when you are drunk and already making a string of bad decisions. Any place that needs to put up a banner advertising the same food it always had for a much lower price (in a market of skyrocketing food costs) should be taken as a red flag. A big red flag. Jammed directly into your eye.
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