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| - Dear person who decided that we would have our "after party" at Chez Nous,
It is with the most utmost regret that inform you that you're choice of after party venues was teh suck. And no, I did not misspell "the". That's how we say it these days. Get with the times, sucka.
But seriously, wtf?
Through what twisted logic did you come to the conclusion that the best way to top off a birthday party at fez laden with free appetizers, cake, and drink specials was an over-priced, overcrowded jazz bar...on a Saturday night?
Now before I go any further, I shall confess to you that I was spared the $7 dollar charge. My friend and I managed to talk the doorman down to $4 for the two of us. Perhaps he was desperate to get more ladies into the establishment. Perhaps he's just a chump.
In either case, you'll be interested to know that while waiting in the parking lot for my friend's boyfriend to show up, I witnessed the doorman using your $7 to help pay for a pizza and hot sandwich from Dominos.
Unlike some of the other ladies in our party, I will not complain about the ass-grabbing and creepy smiles I received. Because I didn't receive any. No, menacing glares and bathroom gossip was my lot. Feeling that my safety was in jeopardy, I was compelled to make a hasty exit in the middle of the chorus of "Ladies Night".
I'm not going to fault you for inviting me to a totally UN-safe space (because maybe I should've done some research before I took you up on it), but if you were a vegan I wouldn't invite you to a place that I knew had no vegan-friendly options. I'm going to leave it at that.
And I'm not going to expect you to ask all of us our age, but please be aware that there are a great number of us who were NOT products of the 70's and have little use for disco and gold chains.
The average patron had to be at least 10 years older and 20 years more behind on fashion than even you'd ever tolerate in a date. I take solace in the knowledge that you were just as unlucky as I would be (if I was single and into cougars, that is).
I know that the overall cost of Chez Nous might seem a little exaggerated, considering we just had free appetizers and cake at FEZ, but nothing ruins a birthday party afterglow like inane ATM fees and greedy, smooth-talking doormen.
Regardless, I want you to know that despite my displeasure with your recent choice of after-party locales, I still love you.
In fact, I'm grateful to you, in my own way. It's so hard to be funny and snarky when you're writing a 4-5 star review of a place. In a time where my ability to nitpick and rant, it's refreshing to finally find a place so terrible I am justified in my neurosis.
In the event that all of this is too wordy and convoluted to understand, I've made you a chart.
=Things That Are Awesome=
Yelp
Martinis
Zombie movies
Lesbians
=Things That Are Not Awesome=
Overcrowded bars with unreasonable cover charge
See you at the next UYE, you jive motherfucker!
Hugs and kisses,
Jetta
P.S. Nathan, I still have your coat. Let's make arrangements to get it back to you. The longer I have it the longer I'm going to be tempted to use it the next time Misty S and I have "roleplay night".
Which I might do anyway if I find out all this was your idea : - )
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