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| - Ok, so this place isn't really for adults (unless you frequent the one with the Initial D simulation car..yeah!) but I know most of you have had to go to one for a birthday party or been dragged here by your kids! I know I have! I really don't like going to Chuck's all that often, the place is always packed! Plus there's a big rat running around and scaring the bejeebus out of all the kids! Ha Ha!
I have no clue why everyone loves bringing their kids here for a birthday party. Do you not love your kid that much? You like scarring them for life with life-size animated rodents? My parents took me here when I was a kid and I swear it's the reason I'm scared of clowns to this day. That and the fact I watched the entire mini-series of 'It' on TV probably didn't help either. Poor John Ritter! I would have stuck with Three's Company.
But it turns out now that I'm a parental figure I did the same damn thing to my kid. "It's your birthday soon! Do you wanna have it at Chuck E. Cheese? Yay!" I figured out it was because I was too lazy to do an entire party myself! No wonder! They take care of the kids, fill them up with carbs and endless refined sugar, bribe them with tokens and tickets, freak them out with a robotic singing rodent band that goes on endless loop, and freak them out even more by making them follow a big rat that tosses out free tickets and sings 'Happy Birthday'. Top that off by giving parents the option of having beer or wine from tap, and an endless salad bar! Crazy! The entire family is screwed into braindead entertainment! Which leaves Chuck running his rat-A$$ all the way to the bank. Genius, I tell you, genius. In the words of famous orator Adam Levine, "I wake up feeling satisfied but guilty as Hell." I am a bad, bad dad. I don't know why I put my child through this debacle.
Could it be because of the many, many coupons Chuck E. Cheese offers to lure you into their rat trap? Could it be because of the temptation of having someone else handle your kids for a few precious hours so you can catch a break? But how is it really a break if you're not allowed to leave the premises without your kid in tow? I'm looking at you, the guy that stamps our hands at the entrance! It's like kiddie branding cattle!
Don't get me started on the food and the prizes! Their new and 'improved' pizza is marginally edible, and their wings are so-so. I mean, I can make a better pizza using a DiGiorno box and a toaster oven. The birthday cake, which is as dry as the Kalahari desert. And yet, I am enamored by the endless supply of Mello Yello you allow me to throw down my gullet. Damn my love for Mello Yello! And of course, there is the all-you-can-eat salad bar. Which to my chagrin, is fairly stocked with decent fresh fixings.
Prizes for tickets?! Is it just me or is this the biggest scam EVER?! I can go to the 99 Cent Store and get most of these prizes that Chuck offers for pennies! It's ridiculous! 10 tickets for a Tootsie Roll! 100 tickets for crap my kid will never play with again after we leave! 1000 tickets for a stuffed animal I can get from crane machine for $1 at my local Denny's! I can't even begin to tell you how many extra tokens you have to buy to get 1000 tickets! Why oh why did I traumatize my child for life?
Yet, at the end of the day when I see kids (including mine) run up to their parents to hug them and say, "Thanks for the bestest birtday party ever!" For a brief moment, we are superheroes in a world of kiddie chaos. I see how Chuck keeps luring them in. His evil master plan! A child's love! For all the noise, the lacking food, and the excess dollars spent...I fear I will be back here again sometime soon. Just not too soon I hope!
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