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| - Jared: "Welcome to Subway! Have you seen my commercial with Michael Strahan?"
Me: "Uh...yes?"
Jared: "Can I interest you in a sub made with our new rosemary sea salt bread?"
Me: "Sure, that sounds pretty good, actually. What's Michael Strahan like?"
Jared: "Oh, he's cool. We're making Subway commercials, you know? It's not like we were hanging out or anything."
Me: "Right. I'll have the meatball marinara with provolone."
"Might I recommend the pepper jack as an alternative?"
"No, I'll stick with the provolone for the meatball sub. Pepper jack works with the tuna. They should ease up on the mayo in the tuna, though."
"I'll let them know. Would you like it toasted?"
"Yes. So you'll let them know? Them? The...Subway people?"
"Yeah. We've been through some tough times together. They'll take it to heart coming from me."
"So you're saying they won't take it to heart coming from me? And what tough times are you talking about?"
"Well you're a customer. I'm a lifer."
"A lifer? Was this Subway gig a sentence then?"
"No, I mean a long term commitment sort of lifer."
"So you're like...married to, uh, the Subway people? What do you call them in private? Do you make sexual jokes about subs? Do you? Cause' that would be wrong."
"No, it's not like that at all. What toppings would you like?"
"Black olive, tomato, onion and spinach. Are you ashamed of this relationship? Is that what it is, cause' it's kind of out there now. I mean the commercials and everything. But let's get back to the tough times. What were those exactly?"
"No, I'm not ashamed. Look, I lost weight, I did a commercial, then another...you know how these things go."
"Yeah...no I don't know how these things go. I'm still, uh, waiting for my first spokesperson opportunity...I guess. How do they go? Is it like an addiction? Did you get dumped and hit the subs hard? Was Subway second best for you? Have you ever heard the saying "You can get what's second best but it's hard to get enough", is that how this whole thing went down?"
"No! Whatever man, do you want any mayo or dressings on your freakin' sub?"
"My freakin' sub?"
"Sorry. I'm really sorry about that. Do you?"
"No. And the hard times? Hmm?"
"Do you want to combo that?"
"No. Wait, does the combo include a little story about Jared and Subway's troubles?"
"No. Look, we used to only give like one strand. Of onion. Or pepper. And like one little slice of tomato. We were really kind of stingy with toppings I guess you could say. It's not a time we reflect on proudly."
"Yeah, I remember those times. I would order a veggie sub and sandwich dude would gently lay one strand of green pepper and one thin strand of onion along my sub. I would be like "more" and he would bust out...another strand. And I would be like "MORE." And he would look at me with a strained expression and then he would bust out like two or three strands. Yeah, those were messed up times."
"Right. Thanks for coming to Subway!"
"Sure. Let the, um, Subway people know that things have improved, ok? I mean the bread is better, there are more and better toppings and you're working on that stingy thing still right?"
"Yeah, I'll pass it along."
"You do that. And can I get two napkins with this sandwich please? Thanks."
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