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| - I read that a consistent cleansing can aid in all sorts of benefits and I figured this was the perfect time to get cleaned out! I made the appointment despite all the jokes and criticism I received. The only enthusiastic person was my coworker who was upset that I booked the appointment without her. To her, a colonic was a "girl's spa day". I arrived and finished the medical questionnaire. The receptionist made me a green drink mixed with powered greens and apple juice. It was tasty. Eliza "the cleanser" escorted me to the back. There was Reiki-like music and electric fountains simulating nature's pond. The facility looked like it was once someone's house. It appeared a bedroom had been turned into a private room equipped with water valves and PVC pipes. I recognized the bed-like apparatus. It looked like an angled massage chair with a big hole where your butt rested. Usually colonic flyers showed people propped up, reading a magazine with candles around them and a look of harmony on their face. I don't know where I read this, not on their website, but I could have sworn the tube that is inserted into your rectum was "PENCIL THIN". It was not pencil thin, but SHARPIE thick! Even with a glob of KY Jelly, I had a hard time getting this THING in! Eliza asked me if I needed help. With her guidance she angled it properly and it slid right in. GULP! Eliza gave me some additional tips on how to be as comfortable as possible. I didn't mind if she continued to talk. She told me some patients preferred to be alone. Eliza told me by now I should feel like I wanted to push. What does that mean!? I've NEVER had a child! She reached over and increased the flow of water into my colon. She continued to talk and ask me questions when all of a sudden, I got TUNNEL VISION! Her voice was like the Charlie Brown teacher and I couldn't tell you a single thing she said. I had to--FART? POOP? PEE? SOMETHING needed to happen but I didn't want to do it in front of her. I stared blankly into space like a toddler squatting in his diaper. She advised me to push. Modesty left quickly and within a split second my water BROKE! I heard a gallon splash escape from my bowels. OMG! She asked if I wanted her to leave and I nodded quickly. RUN ELIZA! The more she talked the more it hurt! She said I would feel some sort of cramping but this was labor! I've never had cramps during my menstrual period--is THIS what that feels like? On the left side of the bed was a long tube connecting to the suction and every time you pushed you could see what was exiting--THANKS to a mirror. It resembled "Italian Wedding Soup". Eliza came after one of my BIG pushes and gave me a hand held massager. She told me to massage in the direction of my colon to stimulate it. Within seconds I could feel my stomach cramping, gurgling and filling up with more water. I kept staring at the reflection of the tube. The more "soup" I saw meant this was all worth it. The massager began to work too well and now my legs went from close together to "OB-GYN apart!" I was now withering in pain and breathing like I was in Lamaze class! Those colonic photos on the internet were a lie! There's no way I could read a magazine right now and HARMONY WAS NOT ON MY FACE! I wanted to turn over on my side and get into a fetal position but I was afraid the tube would fall out of me and bowel would spill everywhere. Oh God! After five long minutes of cramping, Eliza came in. I told her everything was running clear and I'm done. She had a mason jar full of green liquid and mixed it into the water that filled my colon. Thirty minutes had already gone by---WHAT MORE WAS THERE TO DO?! She told me it was probiotics to put good bacteria back in my gut, and that I was probably cramping because "something" needed to still come out. She turned the water back on. I wanted to curse! By now the cramping was excruciating and I watched NOTHING exit my body but clear fluid. Eliza returned after ten LONG minutes and shut off the water flow. She told me to get dressed, go into the bathroom, prop my feet on the designated foot stool and push again. HUH? I sat on the toilet and looked around. I put my feet onto the stool and pushed as hard as I could. Water came gushing out. I got scared and hugged my knees. I felt exhausted! Eliza made me some peppermint tea and told me that I probably had severe cramping due to my empty stomach. She suggested I come back two more times during the week. I nodded and smiled but I knew that wasn't happening. I felt like I gave birth to something and now I was supposed to go home and act like nothing happened! I drove home scared to breathe too hard. When I got home and sat on the toilet I was still flushing out excess water. It looked like I was peeing from the front AND the back! I felt tired and sort of violated. LOL. For the rest of the day I laid on the couch. Did I really need this? Some people actually do. I realized I didn't need a cleanse as bad as I thought I did.
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