| rev:text
| - Well, having deeply compromised my manhood in my previous Yelp review of a vegan cooking class, let me just go ahead and polish it off here by submitting a review of a woman's clothing boutique. That should finish the job, right?
Confession: I like shopping with my wife. Why? Because she's hot.
I'm not sure if she thinks it's a blessing or curse being trapped in the body of a mid-80's heavy metal video chick, but for me, watching her in alternating states of dress and undress in a variety of cool and sexy clothes is one of the sublime pleasures of my current existence. I even have a shopping system called The Bone-o-Meter. If she tries on something that gives me a partial right there in the store, it's automatically leaving the store with us, no questions asked. Ring it up. We're both in our late, LATE 30's and a bleak future of floral-patterned jumpsuits and pleated elastic-waistband jeans awaits both of us very soon, thus we might as well try to look good while we still can, so buy that damn dress already please. But still, she'll come up with the usual excuses. The tiresome obligatory cycle of feminine self-deprecation. I look fat. I need to lose some weight to wear this. Bullshit. Really, why don't women defer to OUR supreme knowledge of the female form when it comes to this stuff? I've been studying it in obsessive detail since I was like 6 years old. I have engaged in 4-hour-long discussions where the sole topic of conversation was one woman's buttocks. Trust me...I'm an expert.
So, anyhow, far from being an indictment of my heterosexuality, I think of it as an affirmation when we step into Banyan Tree together to make a series of rash, impulsive purchases. (Like, remember when Richard Gere took Julia Roberts shopping in Pretty Woman? Richard Gere is a pillar of heterose--....oh, nevermind. Bad example.)
During our last visit, the Bone-o-Meter was on full alert. Some tight jeans with excessively complicated stitching? Yes...I like that. A deceptively simple pearly-gray dress that makes her look like a classy airline stewardess from the 1960's? Yes, I'd like to join the Mile High Club, please. Some crazy pink top that actually, upon further inspection, turned out to be a dress that Britney Spears' wardrobe consultant would likely eschew as too revealing? The needle was in the red. This place makes Ann Taylor Loft look like the Dress Barn (...which I've always just assumed sold clothes exclusively for livestock.)
The Banyan Tree also sells housewares and wine glasses, etc., but these things tend not to register on the Bone-o-Meter. I'll browse them with bored disinterest while my wife is gettin' busy whoring it up behind the dressing room curtains. They also have men's clothes, but they're sized for midgets and heroin junkies. Not much offerings in the XXXL Tall category.
Oh, you poor girls who have to hide or justify your irresponsible shopping impulses. You should have been nicer to me in high school.
|
![[RDF Data]](/fct/images/sw-rdf-blue.png)
![[cxml]](/fct/images/cxml_doc.png)
![[csv]](/fct/images/csv_doc.png)
![[text]](/fct/images/ntriples_doc.png)
![[turtle]](/fct/images/n3turtle_doc.png)
![[ld+json]](/fct/images/jsonld_doc.png)
![[rdf+json]](/fct/images/json_doc.png)
![[rdf+xml]](/fct/images/xml_doc.png)
![[atom+xml]](/fct/images/atom_doc.png)
![[html]](/fct/images/html_doc.png)