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| - Whenever I think of Lenny's Burger, I think of that urban myth about ecstasy.
You know the one.
"If you have sex on ecstasy, you'll never be able to enjoy it sober."
Why, because the experience is that intense, or because you're brain has been so fried that you can't realize you've spent the last twenty minutes trying to fondle a rock?
And why the fuck are you dropping this on me now? Like I'm not stressed out enough worrying about how a ouija board works and whether or not Mountain Dew depletes your sperm count. Shut up, you.
Lenny's Burger is the ecstasy of hamburger joints.
You go in there not expecting much. Perhaps even a little condescending because you're so fucking spoiled you don't know any better.
"Ha! Look at this ironically low-end establishment! Why, they don't even have a value menu! Bush league! Oh, how cute. They expect you to pump your own condiments. What, couldn't afford the little packets? Ha. This shall be a good laugh."
And then you order, I don't know, for argument's sake, a double-patty chili burger. And fries. And let's just say that, for shits and giggles, you fill your drink cup up with horchata, because it's my fucking scenario.
You bring your order back to your table. Ha. How quaint. Burgers served in a noisy steamy cafeteria setting. How retro.
One minute you're biting into a slab of meat in between some bread.
And the next you're in fucking Willy Wonka land.
Your taste buds suddenly become Charlie and Veruca and Augustus.
HOLY SHIT THIS BEEF TASTES LIKE IT CAME FROM A REAL ANIMAL! AND THIS CHILI'S FRESH! THE BUN IS TOASTED! JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST, THESE ARE THE MOST AMAZING FRIES EVER! I'VE NEVER HAD BURGER JOINT FRIES THIS GOOD! AND THIS HORCHATA FUCKING ROCKS! IT TASTES JUST LIKE I IMAGINE HORCHATA WOULD TASTE!
And believe me, muchachos, if there were snozberries on that burger, they would taste like snozberries.
By the time you've finished your burger, you already crave one again.
You spend the next few weeks trying to convince your friends to try it with you.
"Dude, you have to try this burger place. They have the most amazing fuck me burgers ever! Seriously."
"Nah, man. I'm good."
WHAT!? Bitch, you did not just turn down a suggestion from an Elite!
Weeks later, you find that nobody wants to try this place.
Because they're all trying to get clean.
They're trying to cut back on the fast food. Get on a good diet, go vegan, cut out the refined sugars and carbs or whatever the fuck it is that people with a nutrition book do.
It's not you. They're not turning YOU down.
They just know. They know because they've seen it happen.
One Lenny's Burger and suddenly they're lives will go out of control all over again.
One bite of a double-patty country burger with cheese and chili fries and suddenly they'll start double-dipping and eating right before they go to bed, and years from now they'll be wearing those electronic belts that zap the fat off of you while they get their cry on to a very special episode of Maury Povich.
It's just you and Lenny's now.
You'll do your best to be stoic about it. Eating alone while tables of laughing hipsters and married couples enjoy their hearty meal, stopping to give you the occasional look as they slowly decide in their minds what could possibly be so wrong with you as to force you to eat your meals alone.
"Just come with me once. I'll pay for it."
"No thanks. I'd rather do McDonald's."
"WHAT!? Didn't you watch Super Size Me?"
"Actually, I just did. Now I want a Big Mac."
"Fine...just this once."
Go on, buddy. Try and enjoy that, what do they call it, a Large N' Delicious? A Royale With Cheese?
Yeah, I'm sure you like it going in, let's see how you like it coming back out.
Your stomach/intestines aren't fooled. It wants the good shit. It's not going to settle for this "McBullshit" you're trying to feed it.
Just deal with it. You've been bought and paid for by Lenny's Burger Shop.
You are Bitch Numero Uno.
Awww, don't cry. Ronald McLittleKid'sNightmare didn't like you anyway. But Lenny's Burger, Lenny's will always love you. It will always be there for you. It will never judge you, and will even forgive this little "selling out" phase you went through. It's okay. We all make mistakes.
Now...would you like cheese with that?
Hopefully today you have learned something, and understand the downward spiral that is consumption of actual food.
Be good, stay in school, listen to your parents, and remember, what doesn't give you high blood pressure and diabetes will only make you stronger.
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