| rev:text
| - [Scene]
It's 5:45 PM on a Sunday. A man and woman are in North Phoenix meeting some friends at Sala Thai for dinner at 6:30. With so much time to spare, they decide to grab an alcoholic beverage. Thanks to Yelp on the man's Blackberry, they see that The Blooze is right down the street. They pull up into the shopping center shared by Big Lots and park in front of the bar. They open the door to find a dimly lit room with a bar to the left. There is only one open seat at the bar, so they decide to order a drink and then go sit at one of the high tables on the right. A man sitting to the right of the open seat turns toward them. As he opens his mouth to speak, the man and woman realize that he is missing all of his front teeth.
Man with no teeth: Take my chair! I'll stand. I've been sitting for hours!
Woman: Oh no, that's ok. We'll just get our drinks and then go sit over there (points to high tables).
Man with no teeth: No, please. I insist. Take my chair. Sit at the bar. We're all friendly here. (He struggles to stand up and then kind of shoves the chair towards the man). I mean, unless of course you want to make out or something.
Man: (Laughs). No, I think we'll be fine.
(The bartender approaches).
Bartender: What can I get you two?
Woman: Two vodka sodas, please. (She and the man sit down in the two chairs).
Woman (whispering in man's ear): We'll only be here for a minute, so you're ok with sitting here, right?
Man: Yeah, yeah, it should be fine.
Man with no teeth (extending hand for shake): Nice to meet you two. My name is Eddie Vedder.
Woman: Really?
Man with no teeth: Yeah, like the guy from Pearl Jam.
Woman: I don't believe you. Can I see your ID?
Man with no teeth: Yeah, I get this all the time. (Pulls ID from wallet). Here you go.
Woman (turning to whisper in man's ear): Haha! It's spelled Eddie VeTTer. With two Ts not two Ds. (Hands ID back to man with no teeth). Great!
Man with no teeth: Yeah, Eddie's my third cousin. My wife didn't believe it when she first met him at our family reunion. She was like you're related to Eddie Vedder the singer? Are you two married? I married my high school sweetheart, Christina. Do you have kids?
Woman to man (whispering in ear): Oh. My. God.
Woman to bartender: Can we get our check?
Bartender (incredulously): Oh, you don't want another round?
Woman (handing bartender debit card): No, thank you. We're just going down the street to meet some people for dinner.
Bartender: Sorry, we actually have a $10 minimum to use a card, and your total so far is only $5.50. You might as well
Woman: Wow, ok. I guess we'll have two more.
Man with no teeth (who has been staring at bartender's cleavage this whole time): Haha, oops, sorry. I've been skiing the slopes for the last few minutes.
(Woman squeezes man's hand as if to say OH. MY. GOD. WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?)
Man with no teeth: So, anyway, as I was saying, I married my high school sweetheart. We had kids right away. We've been married for 30 years. Except we're separated. We are apart except for the good stuff. He. He. That's right. I'm so glad to hear you don't have kids. It's important to grow the relationship first.
(Woman keeps glancing around)
Man with no teeth: If you want to make out, I can leave you alone.
[15 minutes later]
(Man and woman are walking out to car. They turn to each other with looks of disbelief and speak at the same time).
Man: OH. MY. GOD.
Woman: OH. MY. GOD.
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