Oh Uber, I do love you and like a good lover, I will shower you with compliments. Thank you for keeping me safe from DUI's. Thank you for notifying me when I left my keys in one of your cars. I love how you let me view your driver en route to come and get me so I know if I have a chance to order another beer or not. You calculate my tips for me so I don't go overboard and tip 100% like you know I sometimes do when I'm drunk and love everyone in abundance. Fuck Discount Cab and their ugly green cars, fuck Lyft and their pink mustaches, I only have eyes for you.