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| - The (Allen) key to enjoying Ikea and all its disposable wonder, is to outsource. Yes similar to your cell phone provider, I too have realized that getting others to deal with your headache for small fee, may just be the way of the future.
Seems like everyone has a crazy friend who will torture their hands and brain to put your Swedish crap together. Generally the chart goes as follows:
One item: A big thank you and a high five if it took no time at all.
Two items: A case of beer... you want Mill Street Organic you say? No problem... I got your back.
Three items: Beer and Pizza. I'll even order from Pizza Hut and get the crust stuffed if that will make this assembly more bearable.
Four or more items: I'll bring the shovel, you tell me where the body is stashed... don't ask don't tell right?!
If you are not this lucky invite some unsuspecting friends over and SURPRISE, you get to put together the furniture you'll be sitting on... Doesn't that sound like fun?!
ANYWAYS... I bought the world's ugliest bookshelf here last summer. She was a limited edition massive Billy Bookcase that was clearly conceived in a haze of acid and once too many meatball servings. It's white with odd scribbles and stamp doodles in various colours. At first I thought it was a bookcase travesty and than it grew on me (or more like the 14.99$ price tag for a $99 bookshelf swayed me).
Fast forward almost a year later and that thing was still sitting in the corner of my apartment un-opened and waiting for a drunken assembling team. I called a few co-workers over to assist (AKA do all the work while I mix cocktails). Upon opening the flat cardboard box, we discovered I had none of the required hardware... no dowels, screws, nails, not ever a stupid allen key for pete's sake!
I re-grouped and consulted my many Ikea connoisseur friends who told me I could buy a kit to assemble my bookshelf... so much for $14.99. The best part is that this must be purchased at the dreaded Return Counter. I've heard stories of friends going in for a missing piece and going missing themselves... doomed to be ground up into Lack table dust none the less...
I showed up at 10:34am on a bright Wednesday morning to said location. I had on my Yelp sweat bands and was ready for the long wait and series of stupid customer service questions. To my surprise the whole ordeal went quite smoothly. After fiddling with the automated ticket machine, I received my number and was called up to the desk within 10 mins. I explained that I wanted to buy a kit for my Billy bookcase which came with no hardware (and since it was a year old I did not have the receipt).
Turns out they don't sell these kits or at least they didn't have any. I made a frowny face and prepared to admit defeat when the service lady said she would do the impossible... she would manually assemble a kit for me of the 5693 pieces needed to put my bookshelf together. If it weren't for her ugly Blue and Yellow uniform I might have thrown myself over the counter and kissed her (but I have standards and kept composure). This woman was my knight and shining armour as she swooped from bin to bin comparing 'thing-a-ma-doo-hickies' to 'whatcha-ma-call-its' bitting her lip in frustration and using her bullshit assembly manual to select the right quantities. She pushes the hair from her face and wipes the sweat from her brow, hands me my bag of Ikea bling and wishes me a good day. Yes indeed that was a good day!!
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