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| - In some ways, I blame myself for not doing the research.
Every Halloween, my girlfriend and I will typically visit a couple of Haunted Houses in Phoenix. I've been hearing mixed reviews of Fear Farm for many years. But I figured that, since we're all about paying not-so-cheap prices for extremely cheap thrills, going to a location that offers several smaller-scale haunts would be just as equally, if not more fun than just going to a single attraction, right? Well, not quite.
Getting to Fear Farm can be a nightmare in and of itself. After Google Maps directed us to a very poorly lit turn-off that damn-near resulted in my car being rear-ended, we were stopped by a lady who requested that we pay 10 dollars for parking in cash.
Wait . . . what?!
She then directed us to a nearby Bank of America (which we never actually found) and instructed us to exit on a side-road that contained so much dirt and airborne dust, that my car will need to be rewashed. After returning about 30 minutes later with the cash, the other parking attendant told us that unless we were going to the concert playing nearby, we didn't need to pay any parking fee for Fear Farm. Obviously, this information would have been helpful about half an hour ago.
Fear Farm offers a corn maze, but the parking lot is a horror maze in and of itself. It's poorly lit, highly disorganized, and nothing is really marked. We ended up parking about two miles away, before realizing that we were in the wrong lot. Naturally, my grouchy-side started to surface relatively quickly.
We had coupons for five dollars off, but since we had no desire to wait in line to actually buy tickets, we purchased them online and "ate" the five dollar discount. I guess in order to save money, you're required to actually buy your tickets the old fashioned way, which I was in no mood to deal with. Also, be sure to make sure your phone is fully charged, as they'll want to scan your phone before entering each attraction. Or just go "old school" and bring a print out.
Upon entering, it was suggested that we try the haunted hayride first, which was an additional ten dollars on top of the existing ticket fee. This was yet another mistake. The wait for the ride itself was over an hour, while the attraction was the textbook definition of what I'd refer to as "lame." Aside from a few actors scattered about and a couple of animatronics, there's really nothing worth mentioning. As another reviewer pointed out, there's a tour guide who alternates between telling a story and providing humor, but it does very little to enhance the experience.
We then tried Slaughterhouse, which required us to wait another 30-40 minutes for a mediocre walk-thru maze that was nothing more than darkness and a dozen or so chainsaws. While there were still other attractions that we could have waited for, I was so "spent" at this point that I decided I just wanted to get my funnel cake and go home.
I instantly regret not investing in the premium upgrade to bypass the lines. I wrongfully assumed that, since these attractions are smaller in scale, that waiting would not be an issue. Unfortunately, it was - and if there's one thing I've learned from our amusement park experiences, it's to minimize your wait time if you really want to enjoy yourself. Pay for the fast pass. I cannot stress this enough!
Fear Farm has more of that "dirty carnival" type of atmosphere, which I don't really think I was mentally prepared for. The air is a mixture of fryer grease, dust, and chemicals that are guaranteed to aggravate any respiratory issues you might have. Ultimately, some people might enjoy it, but I think from now on, we'll stick with the traditional one-stop haunts that are longer, more elaborate, and do not require all of the parking issues, wait times, or various annoyances that come with younger crowds.
If you're a fan of high production haunted houses, don't bother. But if you're into carnivals or small-time festivals, then by all means, you'll feel right at home at this place. Personally, I see it as nothing more than a bush league fair that's comparable to what I'd find back in my days of living in the rural Midwest.
Not recommended.
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