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  • ==A Slice Of You== A romantic comedy by Jetta (The dimly lit pavement of a strip mall parking lot. JETTA, a glamazon in her early twenties, stares longingly into the night. An alluring ingenue with a dark and questionable past, she shivers in 90 degree night, tears forming in her eyes. Behind her is PIZZA PATRON, a tall, fedora-wearing gentleman. He sports a mustache that doesn't play by the rules. JETTA knows he is behind her.) JETTA I'm sorry. I just can't. PIZZA PATRON Why can't you let me love you, Jetta? JETTA Because there's nothing left of me to love. I've been burned before. Lured by promises of reasonably priced large one-toppings and hearty, flavorful hot wings. Only to be given hot plates of garbage and crunchy and disturbingly misshapen wings of what I can imagine were once, long before growth hormones, in fact chickens. I don't known if I can trust you. PIZZA PATRON But I'm not like the others. JETTA They all say that. I like you, PP. I like your logo depicting a Federale whose about to cut me open and empty my stomach of all that cocaine I spent all morning stuffing in. I like how you scream "PIZZA PATRON!" at the top of your lungs to me whenever I step in the store. I like your queso sticks and chorizo-topped pizza. I even like how you accept pesos in lieu of dollars, no matter how many shithead right-wingers boycott and protest your storefront. Don't you see? I like you. If I open my heart to you, I could risk hating you. Can't we just settle for "like"? PIZZA PATRON What would be the point? Why offer a 4.99 large one-topping if the box isn't going to litter your living room floor. Why offer lime and pepper-flavored chicken wings if I can't know that somewhere, it's you're lips sucking the meat off the bone? Don't you see, Jetta? Without you taking advantage of my ridiculously underpriced food, there'd be no reason to make it in the first place. I don't know how else to say this-- JETTA Shhh. You had me at "$4.99 one topping". (The two embrace. Music plays dramatically in the background.) Somebody put a stop to me. Please.
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