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| - Worst. Massage. Ever.
I guess I should clarify that a little. "Worst massage experience ever" is a little more appropriate. I came to this establishment because I bought a Groupon for a 60-minute massage and optional spray tan. I was a first time client, which is what these marketing promotions are supposed to attract, right? Well, rest assured I will never step foot on the premises again. If you don't want to read the whole review, the take-away keywords are: unprofessional, trashy and appalling.
This miserable tale begins with me arriving a few minutes early to the strip mall where this place is located. The office area appears to have a number of people operating various businesses out of one space with one common waiting room. Fifteen minutes after the massage was supposed to start, Jan Thompson (owner) came out, apologized for running late and said she would be ready in a moment.
After a few minutes, I entered the massage room that doubles as a spray tan application area. The room was rather trashy, with products and random things shoved in corners and around the perimeter of the room. The room was right next to the front door so it wasn't very quiet. Also, the front of the room consisted of store front windows that were somewhat poorly covered both in style and effect. The room did nothing to lend itself to a relaxing environment. Had I been paying full price for this massage I would have probably just turned around then but since it was only $39 I figured I'd just go with it. "How bad could it be?" I foolishly asked myself. Jan introduced herself, told me that she would be using hot stones during the massage if that was okay and then asked if I had any requests. I said that I had been to the chiropractor the day before and would like her focus on my lower back and leg muscles. She said she would be happy to do that and said she would be checking in with me throughout the massage to make sure the pressure was okay. I said that would be great because I tend to prefer more of a deep tissue massage to which she responded "I have strong hands so I'll make sure to check to make sure it's not too much."
The massage began with Jan attempting to strike up some conversation. Personally, I don't care to talk during a massage with someone I'm not familiar with but, whatever. She asked which chiropractor I was seeing. A seemingly innocuous question, right? I told her my chiropractor's name to which she responded, "Oh, I don't like her. She soaked my mom dry. She had her on all this stuff, some sort of powder, and none of it helped her..." Now, I'm all for sharing personal experiences and reviews (obviously) but I didn't care to hear Jan trash talk my chiropractor and personal friend DURING MY MASSAGE. I find it incredibly unprofessional for someone to make such comments to a total stranger, especially in this setting. I responded with a vague, placating comment and tried to just shrug it off in hopes of salvaging this massage. Unfortunately, there was no salvaging to be had.
The massage continued adequately with the use of hot stones and some stretching. Suddenly, I hear some beeps behind me and a whirring sound. Jan said she was warming up a neck pillow for me to help relax my muscles. I think this was the first time I've experienced a microwave being used during a massage-but this massage was pretty atypical from the start so I just rolled with it. And then I began to hear a vibrating noise. At first I thought I accidentally turned my phone on vibrate instead of silent until I realized it was coming from a table closer to my head. It was Jan's phone, and it kept vibrating. There were probably five phone calls worth before she stopped the massage, told me she had a flat tire and needed to check her messages to make sure the towing company wasn't outside. In shock, I said "okay". She proceeded to listen to all of her messages, apologized and then continued the massage. After several minutes, the vibrating began again and after a few more calls she again stopped the massage. She again apologized and said the towing company was outside and she needed to step away for a few minutes. I just laid there, in awe of how ridiculous this experience had been so far, and just said "okay".
After about five minutes Jan came back, apologized again and said that I could come back sometime and she would give me a free 30 minute massage to make up for the interruptions. The massage had lasted 45 minutes at this point and I was still lying on my back. My one request was to have my lower back and leg muscles focused on and we hadn't even gotten to that yet. The remainder of the massage consisted mostly of the use of hot stones and her elbow. The "strong hands" that Jan mentioned during the opening act of this farce didn't make much of an appearance at all.
I could go on with some of the other comedic details but I ran out of space. Keep your free 30 minutes, I won't be back.
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