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| - Salt River What-ing? Salt River Crunking? Salt River Blaring? The Salt River Standstill?
No, no, no, Salt River TUBING.
It's not really tubing though. It's drinking to excess and blaring music from a meh speaker until it's louder than the next person's, while sitting in a tube or something that simulates a tube, and hoping the water is going to pick up soon because it sure is hot and your SPF 70-covered shins are burning and so is the black tube you currently reside in (the one you wished you'd covered with a bed sheet like everyone else).
So you undergo the standstill and pass quite a few my-speaker-is-louder-than-yours competitions from sound systems that have most likely been accidentally dipped in the not-very-clean-and-sort-of-smelly water and are creating a fuzzy, static sound. All things aside though, it's a decent time when your spouse is giggling with glee because the water is finally flowing and you've managed to find some solitude in this river-esque form (thank god for all those years of swimming that trained you for the specific moment in your life when you would swim your tubes away from frats who have been a bit too vulgar for a bit too long).
They say alcohol and Salt River don't mix, but who cares? I think the cops do, because they were lined up at the finale of this fiasco, waiting to ticket. Therefore, drink with care and let's not get disorderly.
The water's cold but you'll enjoy it in the 100-degree weather, and when the little white creatures we like to call marshmallows (yes, the spongy confection made of sugar) float to your legs and stick you with stickiness.
Other than that, leave the cell phone, wear old sneakers (they'll be soaked), and tie your car key to your favorite body part.
The trip flies by. Gals will argue about whether or not it's been 2.5 hours, and could you please settle their argument by telling them what time it is because they have no means to check the hour. It's a short trip but still take water - it's Arizona and you may dehydrate. If you're a real hungry type, take a cooler in an additional tube that you will of course tie to your own tube with a rope. If there's no cooler involved, you may want to tie your tubes anyway, or be romantic and hold hands so as not to become the lone floater.
It is what it is: tubing on a cold smelly "river" through the mountains with a bunch of folks who have had too much to drink on a hot day - an interesting experience.
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