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| - Little Bavaria has the WORST GERMAN FOOD myself or my fiancee have ever eaten. We walked out feeling like we had taken a wrong turn into a Berlin ghetto & suffered a mugging at the hands of ruthless gypsies. Let me explain why we had one of the worst food experiences of our lives ...
1. They had a special menu tonight for a "German carnival". When I booked reservations I wasn't told we had only 4 menu choices ... two schnitzels, one smoked pork hock & one "sliced turkey breast with peppercorn sauce". We weren't in the mood for schnitzel (especially for $17), so she ordered the sliced turkey breast & I ordered the pork hock ($24, but I was used to the MASSIVE pork hocks at The Musket, so I was willing to pay the price).
2. The rye bread they served was so stale, I speculate it was recently salvaged from Hitler's bunker. It actually CRUMBLED as we buttered it. But the dinner was about to get much worse.
3. The "special" menu choices came with cheap wilted iceberg lettuce salads drenched in disgusting store-bought bottled dressings.
4. When my fiancee's "sliced turkey breast" arrived we were shocked to see it was TURKEY SCHNITZEL with a side order of what appeared to be Elmer's glue with dead roaches in it (on closer inspection roaches were peppercorns). We informed our ditsy waitress of the error regarding the turkey. She claimed it was SUPPOSED to be schnitzel. I asked her why the menu did not say "schnitzel" or "breaded cutlet" or anything to indicate the "sliced turkey breast" was going to be adulterated with breading. She didn't know. I asked why the other two schnitzel items on the menu specifically utilized the term "Schnitzel" but the turkey breast item did not. She did not know. Needless to say, my fiancee was a real trooper and ate as much as she could. It was barely edible.
5. My "pork hock" could better be described as "bone covered in ball of rubbery pork skin with bits of meat and fat embedded within". DISGUSTING. The rind was the consistency of an elephant's foreskin. At The Musket the rind is the best part--very crispy & can be eaten straight. The hock served at Little Bavaria was ONE THIRD the size of that served at The Musket. Luckily for me, my girlfriend's schnitzel was so bad that she stopped after eating half of it, giving me a scavenger-like opportunity to consume her throwaways.
6. Our side spaetzles were barely pedestrian. Her side sauerkraut & my side red cabbage were most definitely from a bottle shoplifted from the dollar store.
7. After the food was served we were IGNORED during the entire meal by the wait staff--I guess no one dared ask how the food was. After we consumed a sufficient quantity of calories to allow us to survive the drive back home without entering into dangerous hypoglycemia, I asked our waitress for the bill, which never arrived. Several minutes later I escalated my request to management. I informed our waitress & then what appeared to be the owner's daughter, that the food was TERRIBLE. The owner (who claims to be East Indian from Germany) came out & ARGUED with me as to how to properly cook German food (even though I used to do food reviews on tor.eats & have eaten at several German restaurants). When I told him about the error in the menu's wording regarding the turkey breast, he just brushed me off like it was no big deal. Then he told me that the reason why The Musket's pork hock tastes better than theirs & has deliciously crispy skin is because they DEEP FRY it while Little Bavaria GRILLS it. I asked him why he even bothers serving it if he cannot prepare it properly. He ignored the question. Then I asked him why the serving was so small for $24. He would not address my question. I told him that the hock he serves costs him $2-3 & that the markup is CRIMINAL. He stood there looking like a con artist that was just found out by a shrewd mark. I was so full of rage that I instinctively reached for my cutlery to impale him, only to find that the waitress had taken it away just moments before. My fiancee reached over & comforted me as the object of my scorn scurried off out of view.
Tonight was the first time in years that I gave a waitress ZERO tip. I paid the bill knowing I would get my money's worth writing this review everywhere on the internet over the next few weeks ... thank you Al Gore! That's worth $50.
Anyway, we're home now. Our Shih Tzu (named Mountain Bear) is chewing on the pork hock bone, which I secured before we fled the culinary crime scene. As I write this review he's ferociously destroying the bone. I was concerned he'd choke on it, so I said to him "Mountain Bear, that's the most expensive bone you'll ever eat. Cost me 50 damn bucks. SAVOUR it boy!" He isn't listening. Oh well, at least someone with the same culinary taste as the owner of Little Bavaria is enjoying their food! I feel sad for the elderly people that frequent this Google ratings trap. Jesus forgive them, for they have lost their taste buds & know not what they eat!
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