Update to the update. Who knew moving from Scottsdale to Central Phx would mean I would give up the (albeit craptastic) OnDemand service, which isn't offered for Phoenix residents!
Apparently they also charge Phoenix residents more money for what is obviously fewer services.
And the kicker - my new apartment is pre-wired for ethernet with CAT-5 jacks in every room, but when Cox came to set me up again they insisted they couldn't wire my internet through the existing wiring.