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| - Excess. Schtick. Zero f***s given. That basically sums up Heart Attack Grill.
On the doorstep of Fremont Street, Heart Attack Grill is everything you've heard and more. The scale out front, eating free if you're over 350lbs, the hospital theme, the spankings if you don't finish your meal. This is Vegas excess at its best and HAG knows it. They admit it. They will gladly take your cash (and it is cash only), thicken your arteries some more and laugh all the way to the bank while doing so.
My friends and I stopped by after doing the SkyJump and were eager to fill our bellies after nearly emptying them several hundred feet in the air. We weighed ourselves for laughs, entered and got geared up in our hospital gowns and took a seat in the sparsely populated restaurant in the optimal pre-lunch rush time. We were seated quickly and given menus, which we flipped through while enjoying the culinary sideshow that HAG has made itself out to be. There isn't a large selection, although what they have comes in some very large sizes, the most infamous of which is their cheeseburger with eight half-pound patties and 40 slices of bacon.Vegetarian options? They openly mock this by calling their cigarettes this. Diet pop and light beer are blasphemy here as well. Our waitress/nurse (nursetress?) was super friendly and sat down with us to give us the run down on the menu and how things worked there, especially that if we didn't finish our food we would be spanked with a paddle. And she would gladly do it. And many people over the course of our meal were; there must have been a dozen just when we were there that marched up to the centre of the restaurant, grabbed a hold of the contraption over which you bend over and are video taped on, and paddled...hard. The videos of your face while being spanked are posted on a website for all the viewing masses of the interwebs. Oh, and you can shell out several dollars to buy the paddle with which you were spanked as well, because why not? Another opportunity for HAG to take your money, you filthy animal. Despite knowing the paddling penalty, I made the unfortunate choice to get a side of onion rings in addition to my single burger, which I got chili and cheese on as well.
It wasn't a long wait, but I wouldn't have known if it was anyway, with everything there is to look at here - the paddlings, the classic movie posters that have been changed to be food/HAG related, the Jello shots being given via plastic penises and over-sized needles. On the wall above the counter, two projectors play clips of HAG making the news, giving the ultimate middle finger to their detractors. Remember those news stories about a couple of guys having heart attacks here? Those will play. Eat up, chubby. Overall, the atmosphere is like a frat, diner and hospital mashed together, but the energy is fun and contagious, as every swing of the paddle brings about cringes and cheers alike.
When our food arrived, it was intimidating. My burger was a single but was still a hefty size and the onion rings were some of the biggest I've ever seen, not to mention that they filled their own basket. No skimpy side order of a few rings here.
The burger was one hell of a hot mess; the patty was a little on the dry side but the chili was plentiful and good, if not an amazing example. The onion rings started out good, but thick onion rings tend to be soggier anyway, and when you have a big basket to battle through to avoid getting your ass literally beaten, it got less than enjoyable pretty quickly. Luckily there was a bunch of ranch to help the soggy, greasy rings slide down my gullet until the very last one was gone. Having paddled both of my friends, one for not finishing and the other since it was his birthday, our waitress had been keeping a close eye on me as well, but luckily for me and her
tired shoulder, I did finish my meal.
The food was pretty meh, but Heart Attack Grill is a damned fun spot. They're probably not even trying to have good food. The owner has boldly said that he prays for the day that no one comes in his restaurant because it will mean that America has finally gotten its health together, but until then he'll gladly line his pockets with the cash of funny loving saps like you and me.
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