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| - Warning: The following review contains crude language, unsavory imagery and content for immature audiences. Continue to read at your own squeamish risk.
Let's talk about two words - Butt Pee. It's usually a surprise, right? Never welcomed. Intimidating. Stops you from proceeding with daily outings and god forbid - going to work because of the unknown possible outcomes. It's usually accompanied by mild to vicious nausea and maybe stomach pains but definitely some tummy rumblin'. (Minus one STAR)
That was my day Post-Valentine's morning. An hour spent in the bathroom peeing out my rear. As I sat on the toilet afraid to move, I pondered coffee enemas, raw-ish fish and what I would tell my new boss if it came down to not being able to make it to work later.
How did this all begin?
My Most.Awesome.Love.of.My.Life took me to Trader Vic's @ Valley Ho for what threatened to be a very romantic Valentine's Day dinner. M.A.L.M.L. made reservations like a good man and we got there a little late due to his inability to grasp geography and its many offshooting directions. No worries, they hadn't given our reservation away, which if they had, would have cost My Love 50 bones, he confided in me later that evening. WTF?
We were led to our reserved table near the patio but chose to sit outside instead under the requisite restaurant heaters AZ is infamous for. The Décor is pretty bad ass. Very Polynesian and oh so fun to look at. I sat next to a big Easter Island-like Tiki head. There are tiki totems everywhere, and fatty bamboo shoots and just the whole experience, peeps.
So I order the Pink Kamaaina ($9) that comes with a souvenir glass with what looks like a cupid-like version of Mario from Mario Brothers on the glass carrying a bucket of hearts. Weird. What has that got to do with the Poly - theme? Is that supposed to be Trader Vic, himself?
Splurging (on calories and My Love's budget), I opt to do all courses today. For an appetizer, I choose the Seared Walu and Taro Root. Now I don't know what the heck a Walu is and for some reason my brain only focused on the Taro Root part. We love anything Hawaii, so I ordered it. He ordered the Thai Soup. Well, folks, Walu is a fish. And this fish came to me cooked as the dreaded 'S' word which translates (I mean really) to "Damn Near Raw, ya' sissy!". Ewww...gross. It looked like pork chops on my plate and I asked the guy what it was and for a brief second he seemed confused and I said, "I didn't order any meat" and he said did you order the Seared Walu? And I thought for a moment. I guess I did. I was so woozy from all of the V-Day activity that I hadn't realized that I'd ordered meat. Well, fish...meat.
Let me say that I am not quite a Vegetarian but ALMOST. I eat fish occasionally but that's it. My goal is 100% Veg. So I don't freak cause, well, it's fish. The DAMN NEAR RAW part, however, was unacceptable. I ate 1.5 pieces and gave up. M.A.L.M.L. ate a bite's worth and fought to choke it down. We moved on, deciding I would cook it later. The sauce on it was pretty kick a$$ though. Although, I don't recall now exactly what was in it. Oh yeah, and the Taro Root was like a sweet-ish potato chip. The Thai coconut soup was basically curry and coconut milk. Nada especial!
Main course: I had the Macadamia Nut-encrusted Mahi Mahi and He had the Salmon. Again I don't remember the specifics of the salmon but it was tasty. It must have been a complete holiday menu because nothing we had matches their online menu. The Mahi was just OK. Nothing spectacular, but mildly palate-pleasing all the same. I know this doesn't really help those of you who would try these dishes, but since I didn't Yelp immediately, I've forgotten some details.
For dessert: we split the Pineapple Upside Down Cake. Silently hoping it was up to par with our Hawaiian experience at the Pineapple Grill in Kapalua (Maui). Psssstttt!!!! Not even close. It seemed like they thawed it out and slapped it on the plate and served. Nothing memorable there.
The Help: We met this really cool guy from the Big Island in Hawaii of Japanese and Portuguese heritage, he confided to us. He was funny as he told tales of his shenanigans in HI, a place we dream of living one day. He brought us bread and stuff but not really sure of his role. We had 2 waitresses which was confusing and unfortunate because one of them wasn't as attentive (brunette) to our needs (rushed/distracted) & she must have gotten the benefit of still splitting the tip with the more attentive one (blonde).
Go for the atmosphere. I would head here for apps and happy hour drinks but that's about it. The choices for Vegetarians were pretty pathetic as is with most restaurants in the Valley.
Overall, I would not rush back there. Why? May I remind you how this review began? I might cautiously consider going with someone who suggests it AND pays. The bill totalled $100. Not worth it!
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