| rev:text
| - Attention: Tao Beach is a critical cog in the male 'master plan' for America.
[Note: Review was originally written during the summer of 2009; cut & pasted in for Yelp]
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THE AMERICAN GUY'S TOP SECRET "MASTER PLAN":
1) PHASE 1: Men invent butt floss but codename it the "thong". Then somehow men get women to wear them, saying that "it eliminates unsightly panty lines." Women buy into this argument and begin purchasing butt floss for $8 a pair at "Victoria's Secret" at a 90% margin because it secretly makes them feel slightly "naughty". They spin it as 'accessorizing' and being practical. Whatever floats your boat, honey.
Phase 1: COMPLETE
2) PHASE 2: Men design trendy fashion for the catwalk that looks remarkably like skimpy silk lingerie. To save money, women craftily and smartly wear their own lingerie & teddies OUTDOORS on the outside of their clothing instead, to avoid paying for fashionable yet outrageously priced camisoles. Eventually, some women apparently just roll right out of bed and head to breakfast at "Dennys" in their underwear much to men's delight & surprise everywhere. Men naturally encourage this sort of behavior by gawking with feigned surprise. The increased attention makes the trend popular amongst attention whores.
Phase 2: COMPLETE
3) PHASE 3: Men discover that Europeans are viewed as trendy. Cutting edge cities such as Las Vegas encourage clothing-optional recreation & bare topless water frolicking under the guise of "european bathing". The concept becomes popular and is adopted by other hotels, to... uh... "remain competitive". Suddenly there's a place for exotic dancers to get paid coin during the day other than 'Rehab'.
Enter Tao Beach.
--- A puddle of questionably sanitary water in the middle of a raucous, loud, outdoor environment populated by beautiful women that get even more beautiful as the $12 cocktails go down.
--- A place where any guy with a modicum of game can simply say, "Hi" and get at least a smile back... and that's based purely on the amount of alcohol being consumed poolside by the ladies, because the music is awful & cranked up to 11, there's 22 people admitted per sq ft, and the girls subconsciously try anything to take their mind off the fact that the venue is actually smelly & uncomfortable as all sh-t.
--- A party where, physical contact isn't just a possibility - it's an inevitability because, hell, you can't help it if Steve-O Smith behind you or Mike "the Mike-Man" Johnson accidentally bumps into you and into the space of a young lady. Especially in a locale where people are ass-cheek to ass-cheek. "Oof. Hey, I'm sooooo sorry, sweetheart. I... heyyyyyyyyhowYOUdoin'?"
Eventually, with progress, european bathing becomes the norm, and soon becomes accepted nationally at all hotels, pools, and beaches.
Phase 3: IN PROGRESS
4) PHASE 4: [CLASSIFIED]
CONCLUSION
Gentlemen: You don't mess with the master plan. It may not be perfect but it's all we've got.
Vive l'Revolucion. 4-stars.
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