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| - This was not the location I visited yet I can't seem to find the NEW and "IMPROVED" Buffalo Wings and Rings on Yelp. The location I stupidly decided to go to last night was the one attached to the Fiesta Mall in Mesa. It's new. And it's fucking gross.
On our way home from work I told the boyfriend we should check out somewhere new for happy hour simply because I needed a new Yelp review to write. He was reluctant to try this shit hole, pressuring me to simply enjoy a few beers at Casey Moore's instead of wanting something "new."
"But I need to yelp."
Walking into Buffalo Wings and Rings is sad and disappointing and you already know it's going to suck. There was no one in the place and the decor consists of sports jersey's thumb tacked to a wall and three or four dated flat screen TV's showing a bunch of bullshit no one is watching. 'Cause no one is there.
We're greeted by a faux punk rock chick with a horrible fire engine red dye job which was unflattering for that A-Line haircut she paid too much for at Tony and Guy. She was obviously new to the whole "serving" thing which is probably why she was working on a Wednesday night when everyone was watching the premier of American Idol. We asked if we could sit outside as the inside was dreary and unwelcoming, like my Grandpa's house on Christmas.
Buffalo Wings and Rings has the ugliest and most uncomfortable plastic, grade school-esque chairs I've ever seen. The tables are also ugly, plastic, wobbly and adorned with tree droppings and uncleaned ashtrays.
The boyfriend gives me an "I told you so" look as we move around trying to find a clean table and one in which we're not getting hit with hot air by some weird, loud buzzing fan. We finally settle at a sticky table with an uncleaned, smelly ashtray.
I ask Faux Punk Server about their specials; 2.50 domestic pints, nothing good on draft, no food specials, no well specials. I order a Michelob Ultra as I have little other choice. We wait too long. Faux Punk Server comes back, "Oh, keg is empty, have to refill, can you wait?"
We wait longer, we get our beers. We look at the shitty, over priced Buffalo Wild Wings rip off of a menu. I hate the whole "pick your flavor, then pick your heat" thing they do at some wing places. It seems odd and, um, retarded. I order five sweet and sour with the "atomic" sauce, the boyfriend get original buffalo "extra hot."
I feel it necessary to mention that when we got our wings they all tasted exactly the same. A thin layer of Frank's Red Hot on gross, old, frozen wings served in plastic bowls. At one point I spit a piece out because it tasted like ground beef.
We also had the pleasure of their "signature item," Sloppy Fries. These were frozen french fries served, again, in a giant plastic bowl covered with canned chili and fake nacho cheese. It literally looked like a bowl of vomit. Like, someone ate a bunch of McDonald's hamburgers and fries and then threw it up in a bowl and set it down on the table for us. We ended up having this wrapped up so I could give it to my dog. He liked it a lot. But as the boyfriend later pointed out, "he also licks his asshole a lot."
Ironically, Faux Punk Server said as she sat them down, "these look SO good."
As it turned out, nothing here was good or redeeming. Even the server, though she tried her best, fumbled over her words, nervously took our plates and couldn't make eye contact. The entire place reeked of low-ball, less than nothing American shit food and the emptiness of the dining area soon become the emptiness of my FUCKING SOUL as I dished out thirty bucks to spit shit out and bitch for an hour.
As we left the place I told the boyfriend he was right, we should have just gone to Casey Moore's and not given into my now costly desire to try something new for a stupid Yelp review. I love you, Yelp, but this time your existence has failed me.
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