| rev:text
| - Abstract: Nope. I am not impressed.
Premise 1:
"But, E. Why are you such a hater? This is LUXURY!"
No it's not. It does have "Luxury" in its marquee; but, that is as far as it gets with the term.
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luxury
Syllabification: lux·u·ry
Pronunciation: /lkSH()r? , lZH()r? /
NOUN (plural luxuries)
1
The state of great comfort and extravagant living:
he lived a life of luxury
1.1
An inessential, desirable item that is expensive or difficult to obtain:
luxuries like raspberry vinegar and state-of-the-art CD players
he considers bananas a luxury
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So, is it luxury that there is popcorn strewn all over the fucking ground everywhere ... lobby, corridors, and I am going to assume restrooms (I was afraid to go in them)? I have been to real luxury theatres and they were as clean as Jack Nicholson's hands in "As Good As It Gets." Jack Nicholson's hands in the aforementioned film should be the standard for luxury (when it comes to cleanliness).
CinéBistro is clean. Alamo Drafthouse is clean. Luxury auditoriums in the Third World are clean. Clean!
This place is not clean. The dollar theatre on Trop might be cleaner.
Not luxury.
Premise 2:
"E .... You are such an ass! The food. What about the food? There is alcohol. Ale-Key-Hall, bruh!"
No. The food sucks. And I don't care if they will sell you a keg here. Even their choice in libations sucks. (I looked.) What is this: a Winter League Minor League baseball game in Panhandle Texas? Everything sucks here.
At a real luxury theatre they don't give you stale popcorn in a cardboard container. At a real luxury theatre they don't serve nasty syrup diluted with valley drinking (tap) water in a cardboard cup. What is this: the fucking county fair in Bumfuck, Mississippi? This is not luxury.
Luxury is perfect popcorn in a gorgeous white ceramic bowl. Luxury is your drink of choice in a fucking glass ... like one expects outside of patronising fucking McDonalds! Luxury is waiter service.
Not luxury.
Premise 3:
"You have gone too far now E! You are trolling! Galaxy Plus charges a fraction of the ticket price as those places! A fraction! Plus, how are you going to be so spiteful? They treated Yelpers to a YEE here. How dare you!"
Wrong. I don't care if they invited a thousand Yelpers here. I was not one of them and I don't care. Here is the price comparison:
Tickets
Galaxy Plus: 11$
CinéBistro (Richmond): 14$/14.50$
Alamo Drafthouse (Austin): 10$
Popcorn & soda
Galaxy Plus: 15$!
CinéBistro: 11.95$
Alamo Drafthouse: I don't recall, but it is fucking less than fifteen goddamn dollars.
Food
Galaxy Plus: There is no real food here. What a joke!
CB: $$
Alamo Drafthouse: $$
Not luxury.
Premise 4:
"Well, the seats are the best in any case."
No. They are not. The best seats in North America are at CinéBistro. It was like someone secret-shopped CB but did not want to go the route of allowing persons to lift the armrest up to eliminate the barrier. Puritanical much? The seats are okay but feature a substantial flaw.
Not luxury.
Premise 5:
"You can reserve seats at no extra cost ... and there are cool kiosks ... and, and, there are no kids!"
No. I saw children everywhere. They either abandoned that shit long ago, or I am seeing dead people and they all happen to be victims of infanticide. At CinéBistro, twenty-year-olds (20) are not even allowed. (That may be going a smidgen too far -- considering that they could be servicemembers well at that point -- but that is a no kids policy with teeth.)
Not luxury.
Premise 6:
"You are going against what all Yelpers are saying. Why should we believe you?"
Yelp lies.
This is not luxury.
Postscript. Their website sucks. Their kiosks on site suck (one out of two I tried did not work). The strip mall where it is located sucks.
Post-postscript. Not luxury.
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