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| - It was March of last year and my girlfriend at the time had tickets to the Tegan and Sara show in Cleveland. I agreed to go, which was a mistake all in its own. I wanted to grab some dinner before we left so she wouldn't have to listen to be bitch about how hungry I was, and how I had the capability to eat an entire orphanage.
I pulled into the Panera in Kent, Ohio before getting on the freeway and ordered a chicken panini. I got in the car and opened the bag. Upon removing the sandwich I quickly realized, "Oh my God, this shit smells exactly like a turkey dog". You wouldn't think that a turkey dog and a hot dog have separate smells, but they do, I swear. I took a bite and not only did it smell like a turkey dog, it tasted like one. Something was obviously not right, but given the simple fact that I'm woefully ignorant, I used the logic that since I like turkey dogs, I'll continue to finish the entire goddamn sandwich.
We get to the concert (which was held in a fucking high school auditorium, mind you) and find our seats. I get through the opening bands and the first fifteen minutes of Tegan and Sara boasting about the fact they're from Canada and are better than everyone else in the entire world before I realize, "Holy loose bowels, I'M GOING TO SHIT MY PANTS". This is not a situation any one wants to be in during a crowded concert. It was a life or death situation.
Running to the bathroom and clenching your asshole shut at the same time is by no means an easy task. I make it to the bathroom and sit on the toilet. There was a moment of silence, it was like the calm before the storm. Suddenly, liquid fire begins rocketing out of my ass at 10,000 miles per hour, breaking the sound barrier and potentially ruining all of my internal organs. I was certain these were my final hours. I was expecting to look in the toilet and see all of my intestines.
For some reason they had couches inside the bathroom, so I laid down crippled in fear that this was going to last forever, and began to sob. I never knew food poisoning felt this bad. I was dizzy and completely out of sorts. I'm pretty sure I texted her from the bathroom and told her to please come and put me out of my misery.
I have to basically be carried to my car. I must have looked pathetic, people probably thought I was an incompetent drunk. My girlfriend has to drive us home because I was in no condition to operate a motor vehicle. As I'm curled in the fetal position in the passenger's seat, weeping like a four year old, It quickly comes to my attention that violent diarrhea was not the end of this. I was going to vomit.
Vomit is an understatement. I grab a plastic grocery back and wrap the handles around each ear thinking it would be the absolute best way to capture all of the puke. I begin to barf, violently. It was like a scene straight from the exorcist. I didn't even know that I had that much liquid left in my body, especially after the incident in the bathroom. I filled the entire grocery bag and Girlfriend pulled over so I didn't get puke all over the car. Even after we pulled over, I was still throwing up. My puke had a pink hue, which lead me to believe I was hallucinating. It must have been 2 gallons. Literally.
The puking and shitting finally stopped, and we went back to our friends apartment to sleep. The last thing I remember is dramatically throwing myself onto the bed like I had just survived the holocaust and then I passed the fuck out due to the fact that shooting lava out of my ass and mouth had taken a severe toll on my poor body.
This was probably the single most traumatic experience of my entire life, and looking at a panini gave me instant flashbacks. The kind of flashbacks your grandfather may have of Vietnam. That bad. Looking at a panini would render me immobile and cause panic attacks and diarrhea.
Its been about a year since this incident, and I'm just now getting over it. I still can't eat a fucking panini, though. Fuck you Panera, fuck you for giving me the worst day of my life.
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