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| - Old Town Scottsdale. Sigh. You have this mystique. This notoriety. There are people all over the country that have heard that you provide an amusement park's worth of entertainment, and you never, and I mean NEVER, fail to come up short of my expectations. You're like that chick that I see all over the place that I can't fuckin wait to take out, and when I finally do I get home with no money, no dignity, and the bluer balls than a smurf on Viagra.
Then there's Pattie's. AHHHHHH!! PATTIE'S!!! What the fuck are you doing in Old Town?!? You're like Joe Montana in a room full of Matt Lienarts; so unbelievably awesome that you could literally walk up to every bar around you and punch them in the throat and everyone would just say, "It's Joe Montana, I have no problem with that.".
If you've never been to Pattie's, that's probably because you never knew it existed. It's hidden amongst a bunch of goofy stores that still somehow succeed in selling that awful Turquoise jewelry that tourists love so much, and Schlotsky's Deli, king of the overpriced crap sandwich and half bag of chips combo, far far away from the rest of the bars that make me love to hate Old Town. You can go trough the front door on 1st Ave, or if you're super sick of Scottsdale door guys like I am, you can use the back alley access, just look for the dumpster behind Chase Bank. (There's no shithead door guy at Pattie's, just wanted to bring up how much I hate shithead Scottsdale door guys.)
The first thing you'll notice when you walk in is that, people are actually having a good time. Laughing, smiling, conversing. Not just standing around trying to look cool and hating on everyone else around them cuz they dont have the newest rhinestone-studded vest or Steve Madden boots or whatever the hell else is hip at Myst that weekend. Next, you'll see the ping-pong tables, being used for either traditional pong, or everyone's favorite, Beer Pong. There's also shuffleboard and Golden Tee, if you're instantly drawn to any competitive arena like I am.
Pattie's is a true dive bar, in that, it doesn't give a FUCK. You want draft beer? They don't have it. Drink it out of a bottle and shut up. (It's better from the bottle anyway). It's smokey in certain parts, but that's negated by the fact that that area is an open courtyard, which rocks most of the year because you get the beautiful AZ weather in a bar. Yeah, its a little hotter in the summer, and a little colder in the winter, but if you're at Pattie's you're no doubt slammed so you dont care.
What I love most about Pattie's is the people. Everyone is welcome. There are no guidelines, except the willingness to have a good time. You'll see anybody and everybody there, and they'll all have a smile on their face. Cougars dancing with other cougars dancing with college kids dancing with old dudes dancing with nerds dancing with (insert the most random person you've ever seen at a bar here).
So if you find yourself at Axis-Radius wishing you had a noose around your neck, walk over to Pattie's grab a Bud Light bottle, and enjoy Old Town for once.
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