| rev:text
| - Mellow Mushroom isn't exactly the sort of place I'd ordinarily go. Woodstock murals, giant hippy-painted school-buses in the middle of the dining, and awkward wrap-around booths just don't quite appeal to my more refined dining sensibilities. But, my coworkers dig it. And the one on Selwyn has a reputation for slow, inattentive service - which is perfect when you and your coworkers are looking to extend your one-hour workday lunch break into a 2.5 hour marathon.
During the carpool-carride over, the majority of us joked about how terrible the service would be. Shauna, our lone female (and lone optimist), righteously defended MM's honor. "You guys are so harsh," she groaned. "We got bad service one time... and now it's like they're the worst place ever."
We were quick to point out to Shauna multiple specific examples of the bad service we had received on several separate occasions:
"Remember the time Mark had to go behind the bar and pour his own beer because the waiter never came back?"
"Remember the time we were seated for 47 minutes before anyone took our drink order?"
"Remember the time we had three different (lousy) waiters because none of them knew whose section we were in?"
Nevertheless, we keep coming back, hopeful each time that the experience will change. It never does.
Last Friday we were welcomed and seated promptly. Out waitress approached, comely and upright, with jet-black hair, loose but not sloppy clothing, and a lovely porcelain-skinned face - plain and inexpressive... but not entirely lifeless. She introduced herself with a breathless murmur: Kim, Amy, Amber... I dunno. I don't think she even knew.
"Hi," we all said with genuine enthusiasm. She just sorta stood there and teetered like a weeble.
"We need drinks," I declared. "Any specials?"
"Um..." Kim/Amy looked bewildered.
Bart leaned forward and read off the specials on the chalkboard behind her. The last one was a "Mystery Beer: $3"
"What's the 'mystery beer'?" I asked.
Kim/Amy shrugged. "It's a mystery."
I was intrigued. So I ordered one. (Turns out the mystery beer is just a random bottle of a crappy beer like Grolsch or Longboard or something else they're trying to get rid of that shouldn't be sold for more than a buck...)
Bart cleared his throat. "Is there a lunch special?" he asked, catching Kim/Amy completely off-guard.
"What day is it?" she asked us, sincerely.
"Um... Friday."
"Oh, then yeah. We have the special."
We all, then, politely extended a protracted pause. When no further information was offered, we were compelled to pry: "Oh yeah? So... what is the special?"
"It's a slice and a salad," Kim/Amy replied, quite matter-of-factly.
"What kind of slices can I choose from?" Bart asked.
"You can get anything you want," She said.
"Oh!" Bart's face lit up as he started scanning through the specialty pies in the menu's center page. "So, I can get the Mighty Meaty?"
As if he should have known, Amy/Kim halted him sternly, "No, you can't get those. You have to make your own."
Bart, a bit flummoxed, tried to reason this out. "Oh, so I can't choose a specialty pizza but I can get whatever toppings I want?"
Kim/Amy nodded. "Yeah, you can get whatever you want. I mean, you have to pay for toppings."
Bart, now more flabbergasted than flummoxed, persisted. "Ok, so... toppings are extra?"
"I mean... you get one," she said.
Now the picture was forming more clearly. An audible "ahhh!" of clarity was released by half the table. "So, it's a one-topping slice and a salad?"
Kim/Amy nodded. Now we were getting somewhere. But then, as if she were somehow made uncomfortable by the sudden moment of clarity, she decided to throw us an additional curveball. "Or you can get two slices."
Bart, now just being a jack-ass, forced her hand. "Oh, so instead of toppings I can just get two slices - but does cheese count as a topping?"
"No, a slice and a salad."
We all laughed. And she laughed too. Not sure if she knew it was an at-you-not-with-you type thing.
Orders were placed. Most of us got the special, some got sandwiches. I ordered pretzels for the table (garlic bread in the shape of a pretzel with marinara for dipping).
The side-salads came out promptly. Unspectacular - just some greens with onion and tomato sprinkled in. Then, we waited. Took about half an hour for the food to arrive (the appetizer brought at the same time as the entrees... sigh). And we did get one or two more rounds of drinks served in that time. So, all in all, not too bad.
The food is... mediocre. Greasy slices of pizza with run-of-the-mill ingredients. The slices are large, so there's that. The guys who got sandwiches were impressed and noted that "sandwiches are the way to go here". Good to know.
Checks were a bit of a situation. We had to each recount what exactly we'd ordered since Kim/Amy evidently didn't split it up as she took things down. No big deal. It's Mellow Mushroom.
1.5 hours in and out. Best experience I've ever had there.
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