| rev:text
| - Upfront - if you're on a first date sitting in the restaurant trying to figure out what to order, you've come to the right review, not just for your culinary needs. Your date, too.
Order the combo. $15 and it'll feed you both. Then take your date game up 2 notches and order an appetizer (the samosa things are great) and a pot of Ethiopian coffee. "Damn," she'll think. "He's assertive and knows what he likes, that's good. Plus, he's not a cheapskate. He's ordering appetizers and drinks, that means his bank account isn't empty."
Congrats, friend, you're off to a good start.
Now, where are you sitting? At a table? You're embarrassing me. Get up and move to the corner booth with the little wicker table thing with the cover on it. That's a table, yes. Take off the table hat. Put it on her head. Is she laughing? That's good. Does she look pissed? It's ok, you're not going to spend more than $15 on her here anyways, and now you know she's not worth asking out again. That's the kind of built-in value Go-Jo provides.
Take a picture of her. Now scootch in close and get a selfy together. Now take the hat off. She doesn't want to wear it all night.
The combo is going to show up - a huge circle of unleavened sourdough-like bread with different food on top. It's going to have no silverware with it. That's because the BREAD IS THE SILVERWARE. "Wow," she thinks. "He's so adventurous."
Try the meat in the middle. Tell her the meat is the best. Now stop eating all the meat in the middle. "He's so considerate," she thinks. Hah, you got her. You actually hate the meat, and everyone knows the cabbage is the best.
Now you've filled you belly, and it's coffee and conversation time. Remember Nixon's sage advice: "The only thing worse in dating than being weird and unattractive is being boring" or something.
Engage in conversation. A unique restaurant is no substitute for a unique personality. Some go-to first date conversation starters:
1. "Should Iran be allowed to acquire nukes?" Swirl your coffee salaciously in circles. She's not sure what to do with that question. Mention how Iran is known for its oil (although no new drilling has occurred since the 90s), but that pistachios are actually one of the primary drivers of the Iranian economy and that the sanctions on Iran have been really punishing in tying down the ability of Iranian farmers to export pistachios. You may not realize it, but she's now subconsciously attracted to you. Why? You just brought up explosions, nuts, drilling, punishment, and getting tied down. And the whole time she thought you were just talking about Iran. Keep her in the dark - don't reveal that you're playing Freudian 4D chess with her subconscious. She doesn't seem interested in Iran? That's fine, you've planted the seeds. Move on to oil exploration in other parts of the world. Move on to a conversation about opening up and drilling deep into unexplored tracts of land beneath the permafrost in Alaska. Mention that it may feel wrong to explore virgin tundra, but that drilling for oil in the arctic would cause massive stimulation to the domestic economy. Her eyes glazing over? That's not boredom, it's hypnosis. Good job, you're on your way to winning the first date.
2. Maybe you've already brought up Iran, and you're looking for another topic. How about the classic "if you were a dictator and could make everyone wear one garment, why would you make everyone wear a cape?" Dumb question. Capes are incredibly powerful and sexy. No one would ever attack your country, because they'd be worried you were comprised of millions of superheros. Never mind, don't bother asking this question. It's too obvious and shallow.
3. Lull in conversation? Skip right to an instant winner: "how is your relationship with your father?" Asking her serious questions about family will show her you mean business.
4. Nearing the end of dinner. She's getting up to go to the bathroom? But why is she taking her purse with her? Maybe she's going to brush up a bit. Makes sense. She wants to look her best for an after-dinner stroll down the famed walkways on Thomas Road. Why is she heading to the door though? That's not where the bathroom is. It's ok, she's probably just stepping outside to take a call. The right move is to step out and follow her. Pay in cash, grab your cape and follow her out the door. She'll appreciate you for considering her safety.
5. She's getting into an uber.
Don't worry, she'll be back. In a week, or a month. She won't know why. She'll just feel urges. She'll be at a Starbucks, and remember the way you slowly swirled your coffee grinds. Against her will, she'll ring you up and ask if you would be willing to go on a second date. Wow.
You take her back to Gojo - you sit down in the corner, take off your top hat, cape and monocle, and order an Ethiopian coffee. This time the date is on you. I only give out advice for one date at a time.
All I know is, order the combo.
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