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| - No place sums up the current shiny-glass-condo incarnation of Toronto better than the Soho House. Beautiful to look at, but transient and structurally unsound.
An essential link in the three party axis-of-evil that also includes Toronto Life Magazine and the Goodlife in Liberty Village. A place where everything screams "look at me!" and "I'm special" as loud as humanly possible to an audience that's too special to listen or to recognize the irony. A hall of mirrors. A city I don't recognize.
They talk about how exclusive and discerning they are when accepting members. God only knows how I got in. On my 'membership application' I'm pretty sure that I literally just quoted the lyrics to Def Leppard's 1981 power ballad "Bringin' on the Heartbreak".
Perhaps that's the problem. Because they're willing to let anyone who's initiation cheque clears into the doors, you end up with a pretty solid membership base of wannabees and hangers-on. Let's be honest... I'm nowhere near an A-lister. I'm neither beautiful, creative, talented or special... and I was welcomed in with open arms.
The good:
- It's a really nice space. Chairs on the main floor are angled so that you can see all of the other special beautiful people who are also staring at you stare at them.
- They've got a wall of candy. It's like having a really expensive season pass to the bulk barn.
- They run some cool events. Nothing that you couldn't find at anyplace else in the city, but relatively well curated and executed. Things like trivia and wine nights.
- The people on the phone have these beautifully fake accents when they call you to confirm your attendance at events. As if you're speaking to the "London" version of Detroit's Madonna.
- They have great pizza and occasionally they show movies at the hotel next door.
- It's really not as date-rapey as it seems.
- The staff wear awesome costumes.
The bad:
- It's billed as a social club, but in reality there's almost nothing social about it. No one talks to one another. You don't meet anyone.
- Anytime the place is actually full of 'important people', they find a way to keep members out. This is particularly true for the film festival, where members are granted the privilege of being second class citizens as the movie studios hold their private parties upstairs.
- Any events that are even remotely interesting get completely booked up before you ever hear about them. Most of the people who RSVP never show, and so there's a constant last-minute calling the waiting-list game always in play. Hey, this velvet rope is virtual!
- Aside from the pizzas, most of the food is terrible.
- Vapid stick insects flock to this place come nighttime.
The silly:
- They have this hilarious habit of trucking in celebrities, I think just so members can say to their friends "I was out drinking with Laurence Fishburne last night". No. You weren't. You were in a bar where he happened to be upstairs for a moment while he ignored you and then he left.
- Then you have the Canadian personalities. There are lots of them. At one point you have to ask yourself if it's really worth the price premium to be drinking coffee beside the ghost of Jeanne Beker.
- Absolutely nobody keeps the 'no phone' rule. It's almost as if it primarily exists just so people can think that they're hardcore rebels by breaking it.
It's not all bad, but it's not all good. If you're in your mid 20s, single, social climby and secretly addicted to US weekly, this may be the place for you.
I decided to not-renew my membership.
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