| rev:text
| - To all you Scottstitutes,
We've noticed that ever since Westgate opened, you've been quite the fixture at your modest, trendy over-priced hellhole of a strip mall. We really do appreciate your company, and we especially appreciate all of that fancy Scottsdale money you keep throwing at all the local businesses. But I'm getting the feeling that you're still not "getting" it. There seems to be some misunderstandings and misconceptions about Westgate, and I would like to take this opportunity to clear some of them up for you.
1) I don't care how expensive your meal or that new pair of Pumas was, you're still on the west side. Hence all the CHAINS. That 40 dollar bottle of face cream your girlfriend just got could've been bought at Arrowhead Mall.
2) This is NOT your neighborhood. Don't let the condos and 12 dollar appetizers fool you. One step outside of the parking lot and you're in the fucking jungle, my friend. And the jungle is a "no popped collar" zone. I've looked into it.
3) While some of the businesses may seem to have been imported from Scottsdale, the uninspired employees who work at these establishments are definitely not. You may have noticed that when you try to park in certain public spaces by the stadium, you'll be approached by grizzled men in "parking staff" shirts demanding that you pay them to park in "their" area. Or that when you complain to the waiter that your meal is being rained on by a leaky pipe, he just laughs and offers you a napkin. This is the west side, sucka. As Dracula once said, "our ways are not your ways".
4) While the tragically underdressed plebians and their families roaming the strip mall may be unsightly and crude, the fact is THEY LIVE HERE.
5) Don't bitch about how happy hour is so crowded. This is the only time that the aforementioned locals can afford to eat at all these fine establishments.
6) If the piano bar on the second level charges you a cover, it's probably because they don't think your girlfriend is all that hot. Or because you don't have one in the first place. Oh, burned by the doorman!
7) If there's a wait to get a table at Yardhouse, the last thing you should do is walk back and forth by the patio waiting for a table to magically open up. It only entices those with a table to order more booze and keep their table longer.
8) If you're afraid of clowns or people in stilts, don't go to Margaritaville before a game/concert. They can sense your fear and will only use it against you.
9) While it may be tempting, do not make out on the escalator, no matter how hard the mood strikes you. There is a 80 percent chance that some teenager is running as fast as fast as he can to go in the opposite way on the one you're on.
10) If you're going to ask me what time it is, at least have the common fucking sense to hide your watch. if you can't figure out what I am, then you can stand by the restrooms and see which one I go into, like all the other sane people do.
Thank you/go fuck yourself,
Jetta
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