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| - First, a caveat. I did not do my research well enough before hitting 'BUY' on my Dealfind offer. It was priced at $49 for a $265 value. You got a 30-minute RMT massage, a one-hour non-surgical face lift, a 30-minute health and wellness consultation and a one-hour EternaMaxi Spa treatment.
I booked my appointment for 9 a.m. As I am a punctuality freak, I showed up probably 10 minutes early. Sure, the door was locked. Fine. I called and received the answering machine, leaving a message.
No calls.
The door was still locked at 9:10. Finally, a woman who has another business in the same building arrives to unlock the door.
I enter and proceed upstairs to Spa Eternale. I let the receptionist know the front door was locked, causing me to be late for my appointment. She replied 'oh' and made no apology.
Here's where my lack of research kicks in. The non-surgical face lift? You sit on a chaise lounge in a freezing-cold room, covered by a blanket and hooked up to some weird electrodes on your wrists and ankles, listening to new-age music and some woman speaking into your head about all that positivity bullshit and if you wade into the pool of serenity, you will become healthier and happier.
The electrodes provide a "high speed digital interface of gentle, almost imperceptible vibrations facilitate the enhancement of appearance. This process relieves muscle's tension, assuages the mental state and softens face lines. The result is a more harmonious association of mind and body."
Fine. I fell asleep. Apparently, it works better that way.
Onto the massage ... it amounted to 30 minutes of her kneading out a couple of knots in my back, running her hands up and down my spine a few times, and letting her thumb slip into my buttcrack ... not once, not twice but three times!
I'm not sure whether the thumb slips were included in the deal but at least the guys I've dated have asked first before they try to go there.
The wellness consultation was a mess. This poor chick spent most of the time showing me the biofeedback results of other clients ... even letting their personal information show on the screen. And I'm pretty sure that's a FOIP violation. Basically, her solution for my stress-related stomach pains (as diagnosed by an educated professional) was to take calcium and try to relax more.
And finally, the EterniMaxi Spa treatment? Back into the icebox for more meditative bunk.
I'm going to figure the people who use these services have way too much money and could stand to give it to charity instead of wasting their time on crap like this.
Of course, in the future, I'll do a little more research on my Dealfind purchases.
Lesson learned.
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