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  • I have had massages all over the country. I like to treat myself. Coming to Vegas for the weekend, I expected no different. Got myself a Groupon and called to reserve. I was a bit nervous when the girl who answered didn't speak English well. When I arrived, my reservation wasn't recorded but no problem (it's a Tuesday after all). I was escorted to a room with a privacy screen (no door). No professional table.... just a pull apart cushioned thing. What confused me the most was the lack of blankets. Just two towels... I normally get massages while nude but decided to keep my bottoms. This isn't the real deal, I concluded. I considered leaving but thought it would be interesting to experience it and report back on it. A plastic lined tub of warm water was brought to my table/cushioned pull apart thing. I was instructed to lay face up with my knees bent and my feet soaking in the water (which killed my lower back). Then my masseuse, with the same skill and technique as my boyfriend after a long day at his job, proceeded to massage dollar store lotion into my body. Her technique included as follows: lacing our fingers and twirling my arm in circles like a wet noodle, punching my palm repeatedly like a boxer, slapping the tops of my feet like a drunk white girl that doesn't know how to fight, pulling my toes out of the socket, picking up and dropping my legs like a weightlifter doing repeated clean and jerks, scratching the skin around my big toe (through gloved hands for my feet), surprising me with scorching hot stones on my back (I've had a hot stone massage several times, mind you) steamrolling my back with her forearms, and the grande finale: while laying on my front, she climbed on my back hands-and-knees to dig her knees into my butt & back. To top things off, there was this vent of air conditioning that turned on a handful of times in that hour to freeze me while getting beat up by a petite Asian girl. Girls, if you like weird torture, go for it. Boys, it may end with a reward that I'm not aware of. Either way, I'm appalled and weirdly entertained by my experience all at once. I had to hold in a laugh on multiple occasions because I could not believe that I was actually paying for that.
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