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  • Torontonians seem to be predisposed to intoxicating bouts of curiosity when we happen upon a massive line-up (it must be something in the water...). "What could possibly be worth lining up for THAT long? That line seems to barely be moving and yet they diligently continue to wait! I must cancel all of my plans and queue up immediately (and then proceed to brag about how ridiculously long I waited for whatever the "it thing" happens to be that day)!" I believe the kids call it FOMO, and I was FOMOing hard this past Saturday. I needed to try that cake that everyone can't seem to shut up about! The long and short of it? We need to stop freaking out about good ol' Uncle Tetsu. IT'S JUST CAKE, PEOPLE! Relax! 2 hours. There are an endless amount of wonderful activities that a person can accomplish in 2 hours. I chose to wait for a cake with some mischievously mirthful dude's face branded onto it. That's 2 hours that I will never get back and I will have to live with that misguided decision for the rest of my days. I probably could have solved world hunger during that sizeable chunk of time if I really put my mind to it, but alas, the temptation of the mystery cake proved too alluring. Sorry, world - but once I entered that line at Tetsu's, there was no turning back. If you are reading this while you are currently in line, I urge you to just walk away. I don't know you, but I can guarantee that you have more worthwhile things to do. I want you to think of a sponge cake. Now, think of what that would taste like if it had cream cheese in the batter. That's all that this is. Nothing more. It's a bland, spongy, cheesy mass of disappointment. There is no magic. Contrary to all of your hopes and dreams, your taste buds will not euphorically rejoice the moment Tetsu passes through your lips. Anyone who claims otherwise is only trying to justify the ludicrous amount of time that they have wasted. Reality check and regret aside, I believe if you treat this cake as a canvas for more flavourful toppings, it has the potential not to completely suck. Wait until the hype has died down, grab yourself one of these coveted cakes, and liberally apply the sauce/topping/whatever-floats-your-boat of your choice. Until then? Release yourself from that crippling fear, you're not missing out on anything.
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