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| - Originally went to this place after reading a Yelp review from 2010 that was so funny it made me both cry and pee my pants. Once I had visited Bikini Lounge, I Loved everything about it! Here are some tips:
Watch out for the homeless guys eyeballing you, your car and your girlfriend in and around the "parking lot" -- They'll murder you and your date for fun, leaving your bodies in the abandoned motel across the street, then steal your car, eventually picking up hookers and blow with the spare cash you left in the console before selling your jacked stereo system to an undercover cop, fleeing the scene while being pursued by and opening fire on a police helicopter, eventually crashing your car into the Salt River, being arrested, and telling the cops that you're a demon and that you made them do it.
Try to keep your hands off of the fucked up rusty ass metal front door that you'll probably cut yourself on. I'm certain there's MERSA, SARS, Ebola and Bird Flu all over that thing.
Let your eyes adjust before getting too far inside. I'm pretty sure there are only two lights in the whole place, one of which illuminates the front of the coin operated porn photo dispenser in the men's room (another story).
Do NOT ask if they take credit, unless you like to get punched in the mouth by your bartenders. That lady will sucker punch you, then jump over the bar like some kind of quadruple black belt, flying round house kick you in the junk and then just throw you a beating until you die from it (see above thoughts about bodies being disposed of in nearby abandoned motel). That said, DO sit at the bar and leave your change for a $20 in front of you while you're drinking directly from small pitchers of sweet sweet PBR. The non-bikini clad bartender will be more likely to keep your beer coming.
If you snag a booth, don't concern yourself too much with what that greasy feeling stuff is on the upholstery. The light is too dim for you to see what it looks like, no matter how hard you try. DO NOT get your phone out and turn on the flashlight app! DO NOT DO IT. You will regret it. Also, I advise against trying to determine what it is by smell. Try not to touch it either and, if you accidentally do, get to the cesspool (see below) as quickly as possible to try and wash it off your hands. Or pour straight Everclear from the bar on the affected area (do a shot while you're at it) to sanitize it. If the greasy stuff gets on your clothes, just burn them later. It will be best for all of us that you NOT take them back to Goodwill.
If the TV is on some garbage show and there's no music, DO NOT ask to change the channel. You will not easily receive further sweet sweet PBRs. Just go over to the BOMB ASS jukebox which has every fucking song ever made by every artist (except Bieber, they deleted that shit thankfully) and feed it dolla dolla bills y'all to drown out the shitty TV that's as old as some of the patrons. Nothing like pissing off the natives!
If you happen to sit next to Santa (well, the older, sadder version at least), make an effort to chat him up. Anybody who refuses to let a wheelchair and an oxygen tank deter him from getting shit faced has to be an interesting guy, right?
Yes, when visiting the men's room, you can put money in a box on the wall, and instead of getting ribbed for her pleasure XXL sized condoms or a nice fake tat or a bouncy ball, you'll receive a photo with porn on it. Fantastic! Who replenishes the supply of porn photos? Is this shit printed by somebody at home and cut into little cards to go into the dispenser? Who the fuck knows, just do it.
After taking a moment to enjoy your wallet sized porn, BE CAREFUL. When navigating the disgusting, vomit spattered, bacteria infested cesspool of a "bathroom", watch out for the drain in the floor. I SWEAR TO GOD that accidentally stepping in that hole will cause you to fall A) to your death, B) straight to hell or C) to China. And while you're on your way you'll pick up about 30 diseases and probably get shit on you. Literally shit.
IMHO, all of the above makes this a dive bar worth checking out. I mean, let's face it, there are not a lot of bars in town where you can be surprised at the stark lack of bikinis anywhere in the vicinity, easily be injured, infected, die and get your car stolen or molested all in the same night. Add on top of that the approximately $3 PITCHERS of sweet sweet PBR that you just pick up and drink straight out of, that their 1940's era liquor license allows them to sell you booze to go (yes you can buy an entire bottle of booze there and take it with you) and the fact that the building is probably one microburst away from falling down, and you've got a winner in your hands.
BIKINI LOUNGE FTW!
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