| rev:text
| - "Oo-oo-oo (I'm not a pornstar, I'm not a wandering star)
"Oo-oo-oo (I'm a blackstar, I'm a blackstar)"
?
"In the villa of Ormen, stands a solitary candle
"Ah-ah, ah-ah
"At the centre of it all, your eyes
"On the day of execution, only women kneel and smile
"Ah-ah, ah-ah
"At the centre of it all, your eyes
"(Your eyes, Ah-ah-ah)"
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In A Sentence
A truly unwatchable show that is mercifully gone ... gone. (That solitary candle has been extinguished.)
Quick Review
+ N/A. No positive attributes. Wait ... maybe that it is closed now. And, the theatre is nice as well, I suppose. It might have inspired some people who attended while it was still around to not produce such crappy shows in the future. Preemptive.
- Bizarre, and not in a good way. Schizophrenic, and not in a Hunter S. Thompson sort of way. Just bad. Bad.
- Bad.
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Storytime
- How will I know good shows from the bad?
You will know .....
That's it for story time. I don't think this show was ever good, but what the hell do I know. It's dated not in a cool, Bogart kind of way (Sinatra stole everything from Bogart [even Betty]), but in a way that would perhaps elicited eye rolls or at least derisive, intelligent criticism even way back when this shitfest debuted (seemingly the 1920's). It was cheesy, contrived, and shitty back then, and it didn't change. It's a bad show.
It's unwatchable. It was unwatchable, I suppose. Mercifully, it was closed.
Perhaps you already find this review to be unreadable. Well, I am going the full five thousand [5000] characters so buckle up, buddy!
THIS IS HERE FOR THE BRAINDEAD IDIOTS AT HQ
Primarily relevant to a consumer experience:
When I went, I retrieved tickets at the box office, which is not exactly next to the theatre so it is a bit confusing for a virgin Jubilee-goer. It's about fifty metres or so across the gaming floor from the theatre entrance. And, it is not well marked with signage or a large, conspicuous box-office-y facade.
Enough of that.
I took the tickets and walked across the gaming floor -- passing roulette wheels and craps tables and blackjack tables and tons of slots -- and handed the tickets to a ticket-taker and walked inside the theatre. Once inside the theatre, I sat down. In a seat. I sat down in a fucking seat.
I had front orchestra seats. There is no mezz, so it was either front or rear orchestra. Do you need a diagram? I can draw a diagram. Someone will flag it and it would be purged for not being of the business though. (Imagine what kind of loser spends their lives flagging every review I post.)
In terms of the seating configuration: think Price Is Right®, sans Bob or any minimal levels of entertainment. Yes, one is more entertained watching the Price Is Right® while hungover courtesy of cheap rum having been mixed with Crystal Light®. (Don't ask how I know.)
The above is germane because Price Is Right was actually held here. Not the televised one, but one with Jerry Springer as host. Mayor Jerry Springer (Cincinnati, OH). (Don't ask.)
On to the goddamn show:
- The music was stale/dated.
- The story was worse than KÀ, which is quite impressive to accomplish. Very impressive!
- The entire thing was a trainwreck that should have been put out of its misery during previews (back before Hoovervilles started popping up). Unfortunately, it didn't, and thus stuck around for decades until I attended it. If you're reading this, maybe you wish you could attend it so you could feel my pain or understand what I am writing about.
Whoever continued this thing going should be ashamed. (Or, consequently, is brilliant if this thing actually made money somehow. Can't hate the player, after all.)
The show starts with a dated tune. The ladies are very slender. The guys are pretty flamboyantly homosexual. These are merely observations; not judgments. Skinny women and gay men are okay by me.
There is no intermission. You wished there was an intermission so you can escape and never stop running until you get to bed.
Titanic is one of the numbers. (Perhaps the most well known one, for those that are not octogenarians and do not know Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, or the work of those they pay homage to. Samson and Delilah is another number. (Spoilers!)
Honestly, to tell you the truth, it is all mindnumbingly boring. More than likely, I did not fall asleep because I was so astonished and surprised by how bad it was. And, it is bad. It is all bad.
Pro Tip: be grateful you never suffered through it if you managed to avoid it.
Pro Tip: just watch James Cameron's Titanic, because that was the best part of this thing.
Pro Tip: if it ever comes back and you go, don't ever say you weren't forewarned.
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Not good for tourists.
Not good for kids.
Not good for dogs.
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Rating: Two-stars, "Meh. I've experienced better." [5000.]
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