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| - Ah... my wise padawans.
Sit down, and I will teach you the ways of nightclubs.
Rule #1: Never pay to get into a club. If I ever do visit one, it's on the VIP guestlist. As my good friend Ken Bryan says, "All the right places, all the right people." Get yourself acquainted with a club promoter/friend who will help you skip the line and not pay cover. I wouldn't even show up to the events at these places otherwise.
Rule #2: Never, ever pay for bottle service. As Charles Khabouth (the man who owns this club) once said, and I'm paraphrasing here, "It's all desperate kids from the suburbs who want to feel important." I get in free and have access to the VIP area, and I didn't need to pay a cent.
Rule #3: Going to a club in winter really sucks. Especially when there's a coat check. More on that in a second.
Rule #4: Don't overstay your welcome. Maybe it's the fact that I've been spoiled on red carpet events and galas all these years, but if I see that something's not up to par, I'm out immediately. And that brings us to the subject of this review.
My recent experience at REBEL Nightclub on the other side of the city made me remember this club, Take everything from REBEL, distill it down into a venue that's about 1/6th the size, and you have UNIUN, a club that's equal parts, weird, overbearing and just plain not worth it half the time.
There is some good to be found here, if you know what you're looking for. I came here for a friend's birthday a while back, and it just so happened to be a "burlesque" night to boot. Nothing like having a dancer in period costume sidle up to you and ask for a kiss (just say no - you don't know where they've been). That said, these kinds of events just don't work with the club, which has already been charitably described as a "hallway".
The place becomes an absolute sauna, even when you're not stuck in a crowd of people and can't move anywhere. It's a "Station nightclub fire" waiting to happen, and I was bothered by the fact that the mystique of the venue was more impressive than what was inside. You go into what looks like this weird residential/industrial building and find out that there's just not a whole lot there.
I will also give UNIUN credit for having "reasonably-priced" drinks. Compared to some other places that make you drop $12-13 per drink, I will happily pay $6-7 for a drink all day long. The service was good too.
However, I feel the caveats and "...buts" outweigh the positives. The people who frequent this place are weird. The usual 18-24 crowd with a bunch of older men trawling the seas and a lot of middle-aged women who don't know what to do. I had a woman and her friend tell me I looked like "an undercover cop" because I was dressed in a suit and at the aforementioned event. The music is the usual EDM garbage, cranked to such an extreme that it's just as likely to cause you to lose your hearing.
The coat check is terrible. An absolute nightmare in winter. Go as early as possible to avoid the lineup, which can take two hours or more.
The only way I'd visit UNIUN again is for another event or something more private. It's just not worth the effort most nights, especially considering the lackluster elements.
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