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| - The Back Alley Nightclub... Off the bat I will say that it's hard for me to rate this place, as I have had both 1 star and 5 star nights here. But if I was to do this mathematically, it would probably average out to 2.5 stars each night, which is why I decided on this rating.
The Back Alley holds the undisputed title for the greasiest club in the city (both the establishment and the people there are winners in this category). It's location is easy to access (right off of MacLeod trail, 2 minute walk from the train station), the drinks are cheap, and the name itself says it all. The appearance of the club is like an actual back alley, and so are the people you would expect to run in to there. There is a certain Feng Shui you feel when you walk in to this place, and it's pretty much a violation of all five senses. 1. The place looks like shit. 2. The music played is consistently the top 40 every night, and it's played so loud that your ears will ring on the ride home GUARANTEED. 3. The liquor is watered down and the cheapest possible shit you can get. 4. You are afraid to touch things because everything is sticky and dirty. 5. The smell is a lethal combination of sex, cigarettes, Axe Body Spray, and fear.
Where do I begin!
The People:
You've got a combination of every size, race, and type of person here. The crowd you're going to see is about as unpredictable as a mall on a Sunday afternoon. Average Jo's, cute girls.. But then... You've got your cougar biker chicks, your Jersey Shore dicks, your XXL white women in M clothing, Persian guys who are overdressed x 1000, fake ID 16 year olds, and many other comedic sub genres.
The Dance Floor:
As stated above, the people at The Back Alley aren't exactly your friendly neighborhood Mormons crusin' around with the only intention of a nice chat. The ratio of guys to girls on the dance floor is usually 2:1 or worse, so the guys are high strung and pissed off, and the girls are defensive. If you're a girl and you're dancing, do it with a "Queen Latifah" mindset. Guys on the dance floor at The Back Alley are like seagulls at the dump. They circle around, scope what they want, and with no warning, swoop in for the kill. It's not like the old "may I have this dance" days; they creep up from behind and immediately start grinding. The girls at The Back Alley discovered this dilemma, so they figured out a way to escape; a moat that blocks intruders to the castle if you will. The cute girls dance on the speakers/railings/stands that surround the dance floor. The speakers circle around the whole dance area, and are only big enough for people to stand shoulder to shoulder together , so you don't have to worry people coming from behind. You end up seeing a lot of guys half-dancing with each other in a circle. Because there are no girls, they don't commit to the full dance, so it's an awkward head nod with a puzzled look on their face and movement from side to side. Congratulations girls, you beat the system, and thanks to you, the actual dance floor ratio usually ends up being 1:3.
The Fights:
I am amazed at what I have seen people do at this place. It literally reminds me of the animal kingdom sometimes. Five of my friends (3 guys, 2 girls), have been sucker punched for no apparent reason there. I see at least two fights break out in the smoke pit every time I go, and when it happens, people go bananas. Cheering, screaming, and freaking out, they're like chimpanzee's. I even once saw a 15 minute, 20+ girl on girl brawl break out in the parking lot. If you find yourself in one of these altercations, BEWARE OF THE BOUNCERS! I REPEAT: BEWARE OF THE BOUNCERS. I can not believe the things I have seen them do. I have seen them choke girls out, and throw their unconscious bodies out the door with their head being the first thing that meets the ground. I have seen them punch non-violent people in the face and spit on them when they are KO'd after. These are just 2 out of 100 incidents I have seen. It's disgusting. This last one is pretty funny, but I even know a guy who used to work there and once had a Slim-Shady Wannabee with a white fur coat giving him a hard time. He and the other bouncers picked him up, threw him in the dumpster out back, and sat on the lid for 15 minutes. When they opened it up, his white fur coat was black and sticky from head to toe.
In Closing:
For all the reasons listed above, you'd wonder why on Earth people go to this place. It isn't Calgary's most successful club for no reason. It's grittiness is also part of it's charm. One thing holds true, you ALWAYS seem to run in to people you know there. I believe in this so much so that I could even go by myself on a Friday night; under the circumstances that all my friends had mono, my internet went out, and my XBOX 360 stopped working. If you go there with a "Back Alley" mindset, you could have a blast!
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