| rev:text
| - I've been here a few times now. Let me tell you exactly how this process goes.
The first time:
What's this, 2 massages for $25? Middle class couples dream! We're in! Cut out the coupon and head over Saturday morning around 10.
Where the hell do I go in? Oh this must be the right door. Wait, is that a cafeteria? This can't be right. Let's ask a few people. Oh okay. This is the right place. Here's the line. Don't forget to fill out the small white form, someone will hand you one eventually. After waiting in line for 20-30 minutes now you get to submit your white form. Don't be surprised if the lady taking the slips ignores you for 5 - 10 minutes as she works away on the computer. This is normal. Then you get to pay. Nice! $25 for 2 massages coming right up. Excuse me miss, what's the wait time? About 3-4 hours today. Wait, what? Yea... She's serious. Well alright then. Let's go get some lunch and do some shopping and come back.
...3 hours later. You'll return. And you'll sit in the cafeteria with a bunch of other miserable people. They'll call names, people will go in and everyone will be looking around saying, "hey wtf? I was here before them" no worries though. Eventually your name will be called yay!
Oops... That was just the name of the other person you came with. You still have to wait... Crap
Yay! Finally you hear your name called. Shit, you're a guy and it's a dude. Shit, I have to be rubbed down by a dude. How do I get out of this without looking like an asshole. I've also waited forever, shit. Fine I'll just suck it up... And get rubbed by a dude.
Now ... We're being rubbed by a dude. A totally mediocre massage because let's be real, that dude doesn't want to rub you either. You wanted your thighs rubbed after then squats you just did at the gym but homeboy silently says 2 inches above the knee is the limit. We both have a mutual understanding. Anyways dude student continues to rub you. What's that some old dude is getting ready to get his massage in the curtain next to you? Oh yea, that's right. He's a heavy breather to. He lets the masseuse know when it's too hard or just right and every time you hear that voice you slightly cringe. That guy sucks. By now you're totally uncomfortable and can't wait until it's over.
Meanwhile, if you were lucky enough to go first, Surly you're done by now. You're back in the cafeteria filling out a survey waiting for another 20 minutes for your companion to finish. This is the longest 20 minutes of your life.
Finally your companion pops into the cafeteria and you've never been so excited in your life. You ask them how it was, they'll look at you and say, it was alright. And you'll leave. Then you'll get in the car and be like Idk of I'll ever do that again.
But you will... Because come on, that's a hell of a deal. But your experience will be the same and at last you will finally have come to the only conclusion possible after visiting here: $60 per person for a professional hour massage is totally worth it to avoid this hell.
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