| rev:text
| - First off, a few things I wish I'd known before going: none of the secret menu is posted in the restaurant (sounds obvious, but it's up on their website - albeit without clear descriptions of what anything is), they accept debit, and they have an ATM. (Didn't use the ATM so can't speak to how much that costs.)
Aside from that, this was a pretty clear-cut double-occasion visit - my first and my last. I knew from their website that their menu is basically indecipherable without rigorous analysis and possibly a pen and paper, because they don't tell you clearly what anything is unless it's an item appears for the first time on the menu. This sounds like it wouldn't be a problem, but it IS a problem here because they seriously serve like 5 base sandwiches and have 30 items that are just combinations of those sandwiches, sometimes with specific toppings.
It's a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny place. Four "tiny"s because that's about how many seats they have. The food came out pretty quickly. The cashier was completely neutral - a completely disinterested blank face who took money in exchange for food and yelled out orders to the back during our transaction. I can't complain, but the tinytiny space + nigh-incomprehensible menu + blase cashier meant that I was just really flustered trying to order three sandwiches. So flustered that I just went on autopilot, into "at a restaurant" mode, and left a 10% tip on a take-out order without thinking. I hate myself sometimes. The cashier did not deserve any tip at all in this case.
Three sandwiches (2 of which were combos with fries and shakes) added up to about $45-50 with tax but before tip, which is really pretty bad. The fries were enh - probably on par with Burger King, honestly. They weren't crispy or well-seasoned and just tasted boring. Like a pure essence of slightly soggy, aggressively inoffensive potato. Not good, not bad, absolutely not memorable.
I had The Option (fried portobello mushroom stuffed with cheese) with sauteed onions (lol premium topping) and some light condiments (I think ketchup and mustard? Basically forgot as soon as I paid and didn't taste either in the finished sandwich). The "patty" was super greasy, drippy, and not meaty. I love mushrooms and this was a disservice to that fungus. The cheese almost tasted like barbecue sauce, for some reason. Gross. Nasty. Weak breading that smelled funny - offered the last bit to one of my dining companions and they asked if it was chicken. The onions were SO OVERPOWERING THE O N L Y TH I N G you will taste. They weren't bad-tasting (really mustardy) but OH MY GOD HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THAT WITH THESE INGREDIENTS. YOU HAVE FLAVORFUL INGREDIENTS AND ALL I TASTE IS ONION.
The shake (I had coffee) initially caused me to recoil and exclaim "What the hell is this?!". This is because, I realized, it tasted overwhelmingly of coffee liqueur. They didn't use coffee ice cream, but vanilla ice cream blended with coffee syrup. Not what I was expecting, bitey taste, did not like. The vanilla ice cream would have been good by itself, probably.
Everything was really greasy. I didn't get to try the two beef burgers that were ordered but mine was globby as hell (especially with the cheese) and I had to wash my hands after handing them to my dining companions.
Yeah, so not a fan.
P.S.: Interested to see that the chain appeared on "You Gotta Eat Here" because it embodies a lot of the worst tendencies of the show. Greasy and heavy (and I have a lot of tolerance for this, but it didn't taste good and it _felt_ greasy), emphasis on ~*unique*~ hipster stuff (they have a sandwich called the Religious Hypocrite which is an Option with bacon, lol get it, because the Option is vegetarian but the bacon ... isn't ... guys I swear it's funny) and ~*special*~ combinations and style over - well, anything really.
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