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| - There are all sorts of quips and complaints about IKEA - the best of them being Germany's reinterpretation of the IKEA acronym: "Idioten Kaufen Einfach Alles" (idiots will buy anything) and my friend Andre G's translation: "IKEA is Swedish for couples fighting." Seriously.
The average customer spends 1.5-2 zombified hours at IKEA trying to follow that stupid showroom maze. That's a long time. And the Etobicoke store is one of the largest in North America - something like 25,000 square feet. Or metres. One of those two.
As an IKEA expert, here are some tips from me to you to ensure a peaceful trip to IKEA that doesn't end with weeping or divorce proceedings:
1) Come with a list of things you're looking for but be prepared for NOTHING to be in stock. This is a hallmark of IKEA product and the reason my parents stopped shopping here in the early 1980s. When the clerk looks up the item, peer over their shoulder and take note whether the item has a "K" (catalogue item) or an "O" (optional item). If it's the latter and there is no stock, YOU WILL NEVER SEE THIS ITEM AGAIN. Forget about it and move on.
2) Stick together. DO NOT SEPARATE FROM YOUR SHOPPING PARTNER. There is next to no cell phone reception in IKEA, probably for the same reason there are no clocks or windows in Vegas or at Christian weekend retreats. If you're shopping with a girl, you'll inevitably lose her in the textiles department, so don't rely on texting or calling her to get her 10-20. Just stay with her and endure the idle browsing and nattering.
3) If you know exactly what you want and it's not in stock at the store, order online or via the 1-800 number to save hassles. The stock comes from a warehouse in Quebec and there's a flat fee for delivery so just because something's not in stock at the store doesn't mean it's out of reach (unless, of course, it's one of those aforementioned "O" items).
4) Don't be vague when asking about things you've seen in the catalogue. How would you like it if every other question you heard was "Do you have this shelf, it's sort of white, maybe wicker, but also maybe melamine, and it's about this big?" or "Do you have these drapes that look like denim and have pockets? Oh, and I saw them here like five years ago. Any ideas?" or "Do you have that thingamabob that I saw on a night table on page 82 of the catalogue?"
5) STAY AWAY FROM THE MEATBALLS. Trust.
6) You have to build everything yourself. Some furniture comes in multiple boxes so make sure you have everything. When you get home, read through all the instructions and sort your hardware, put something protective on the ground and think before you turn that Allen Key - it is supremely frustrating to go ahead and start screwing things in only to realize you're doing it upside down or on the 'unfinished' side. Only some instructions recommend the help of another person but to be honest, you could always use someone's help so call someone. A drill/electric screwdriver is your best pal here. There are also people that you can pay to do this -- ask at customer service. For some of the ridiculous items (like anything in the PAX wardrobe series), it's very worth it and will save you a possible brain aneurysm and/or your marriage. Also stay away from the ANEBODA series, because it will ruin your life.
7) If you're getting stuff delivered, make sure you triple check everything before the delivery dudes leave - open boxes, inspect that nothing's missing or damaged, and sign the release form. Don't sign it until you've checked everything, because it is a huge hassle to get the delivery people back to your place to do pickups and exchanges.
8) Befriend people that work at IKEA. Better yet, get a part-time job there. The discounts are fierce and you NEED to be at the seasonal employee "As Is" sales where boxes that have the teeniest bit of damage are flying off shelves at 50-75% off. You can easily get invited to one of these as someone's guest. Seriously - I have furnished entire apartments with finds from these sales. At one point I had extra headboards in storage, that's how good of a deal I got on my beloved OSLO bed.
9) The store is open till 9pm weeknights (used to be 10pm) and I would highly recommend going at those times. Even if you show up at 8:55pm no one is going to kick you out right away because the cashiers have to work till 10 and finish cashing people out. So get your shit and go. Whatever you do, do NOT go on a weekend no matter how good the sales look, because you'll want to hang yourself, along with the other 10,000 people that visited the store that day.
10) In addition to emptying your bank account, you can also stuff your gullet and pickle your liver at IKEA. They have dirt cheap breakfast (scrambled eggs, sausages, and home fries for $1) and even beer (pints of Carlsberg for $3.75).
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