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| - "Eek! Methinks not." is the fuck right, random yelp review classifications. Well, congratulations William Penn Tavern, you bloody did it! My friend is currently in the bathroom of his 1 bedroom Shady Side apartment throwing up while I get this review started. Bra-fucking-vo! The wings we just had were made of some hybrid of memory foam, decayed chicken remains, and sadness.
We decided to try both conventional and off the walls flavors, including buffalo, thai chili, and the kitchen sink.
Well, the wings I got were tossed in buffalo sauce. And by tossed, I mean someone painted a wall and and grabbed a handful of breaded dogshit "chicken wings" and threw a fastball at the wall, which is the only way they could've been covered in sauce as poorly as they were.
Now let's transition to the tavern's more 'exotic' sauce, Thai Chili. Have you ever had something stuck in the back of your throat that you couldn't get to disappear no matter how much water you drank? Envision that same feeling persisting for ~45 minutes, regardless of how much else you ate/drank/puked. That is thai chili. It's sweet enough to be in the same caliber as a Mike n' Ike, but terrible enough to be that drunk uncle everyone ignores at Christmas. Would never recommend. My soul is still bleeding.
Now, let's get to menu item availability. (And we ordered a whole 3 things, so it's not like we were testing the menu). We asked for a humble serving of tater tots, and we waited with excitement while the chef prepared our pre-meal feast. Roughly 12 minutes after ordering, approximately the time it takes to prepare tots, our waitress stopped over at our table. Instead of being greeted with our crispy tots, we were greeted with the awful news that they "ran out of tots". If i was a larger fan of 'Napoleon Dynamite', I most likely would have blown a gasket. However, I calmly waited for my Sodexo brand fries to be delivered, unevenly seasoned, to my table.
I sat, aghast at my lack of tots, and dipped my fries into some cheese that I may only describe as similar to what you may purchase at your step-daughter's youth soccer game that you are not nearly as invested as you should be in. Especially since that bitch ex-wife managed to gain 70% custody of Samantha. What the hell. Note to you folks: don't trust Yelp reviews when you're seeking legal consultation.
I would more quickly advise you to binge drink alcohol for 3 hours straight and reconsider the last woman you loved while pointing a gun to the temple of your head, than I would for you to stop in at William Penn Tavern for a plate of buffalo covered dolphin shit.
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