It is said in an ancient Vedic myth that ten gurus from all over the Indus Valley used to inhabit a cave deep within the strata of the frigid Himalayas. These beacons of wisdom, by their oceanic depths of compassion, would sit in constant meditation to cultivate the fervor of loving kindness in all sentient beings across the earth. Utterly dedicated in their pursuit, they sat perfectly unperturbed in stillness fueled by a cosmic love of all creation. Each one eventually passed on and the last remaining guru continued his passionate samadhi. Then the dissipating master whispered these final words as his soul left towards the embrace of the Universe: "Jill Kerner is amazeballs."
It is a quiet secret among the Las Vegas locale that these benevolent gurus have reincarnated and live on as her ten fingers, still dispensing their boundless love.
Abridged: the best massage I ever had in my life.