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| - I've heard Sapphire referred to as "The Costco of the strip club world". This made me profoundly curious - ponderous, even. Are there hefty patrons standing idly, blocking entire isles, dumb-found by over-whelming selection? Would I feel like a soul-less consumer after 10 minutes of browsing? Would a "bulk quantities" approach precipitate reinforced dancing poles and spotters for lap dances? Where would the name tags go? These were questions that tugged at my very core.
So, my lovely co-researcher/love of my life/seriously naughty temptress "A" and I packed up the car and headed east to Where-the-HELL-is-my-money-topia.
Ahhh, Vegas. The place that loves to pretend it is a little naughtier than it actually is. Sure there is a multitude of ways to go broke/end up in jail/contract new and interesting diseases, but you really have to look sometimes. In this, Sapphire stands out. It's is huge. You can't miss it. Mr. Magoo could find this place half drunk with a bucket on his head.
We entered a nicely decorated (for a strip club) lobby and were greeted by some of the largest, nicest (thank you, sir) men I have ever seen.
- Nice greeters just like at Costco? Check.
From there, A and I were directed to the cash register.
- Cash registers? Check. Having to pay money to enter (membership fee)? Check.
OK, so at this rate, this review is going to be too long and extra special annoying. Let's just drop the Costco jokes.
I wouldn't say Sapphire is the Costco of the strip club world, but rather the Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory of strip clubs. It feels like it never ends, you tend to lose sight of reality and there is enough (eye) candy to make choosing almost impossible. A strip club in a building this big MUST have been built by some poor guy compensating for something (It's his little penis. He's compensating for his teeny-weeny weeny).
For your floor show enjoyment, Sapphire is equipped with three semi-connected stages that no one really seems to pay much attention to. The room is so large and full, that just getting to and from a stage to tip a dancer would require a ration of water and a compass. The poles aren't even attached to anything. Well, they attach to the floor (I think stripper technology is still a few years away from the levitating poles), but they only go up 8 feet (the ceiling is at least 25). So no pole dancing, but tether ball possibilities GALORE! The poor girls rotate between stages as the songs change from the first micro stage up to the next, totally inaccessible stage that is so high the temptation to spit off of it must be overwhelming for the dancers, back to another comically tiny stage. All this real estate inside and they have these poor girls dancing on coffee tables. Let them be free. Let them run and play and gyrate as God intended! Free Range Strippers I say!
This all sounds bad, right? NO! It is very, very good - just hear me out. There are TONS of girls there slithering (a sexy slither, not a creepy, weasely "wanna buy a watch" slither) between the floor seats. They were everywhere. The girls on stage are there because you have to have girls on stage. But, the real show is happening in/close to your lap (fees and restrictions may apply). The view was great, especially when someone's butt was blocking it.
Sapphire was crowded but I swear there was still a girl for every 5 customers and not an ugly one in the bunch. Each "entertainer" was at least cute and all of them had bodies that can only come from copious amounts of time doing things that require a sports bra. Then there are the servers; ours was very nice, cute, and as quick as she could be considering having to cover distances that would make Lance Armstrong wince. And we can't forget the "shot girls" (nasty shots, nice girls) pushing vial drinks (see, that's funny because they come in a vial, but they are also vile. It's funny, damn it. You just wait. You'll snicker when you see them.).
Sapphire is expensive, especially if you become smitten as we did. Especially if your girlfriend falls in love, as mine did. It is doubly so if you strongly encourage the ladies to enjoy each other's "company", as I could not help but do. Ask for the tour before you pick what you want. Our lovely assistant was very helpful and talked us out of several more expensive options in favor of one that would provide the three of us with the most time and ... freedom.
Did I spend the equivalent of a full month's rent that night? Yes I did. Do I regret it? Not on your life. I'm saving up to do it again as I write this. We knew we were going to go all out. We had been planning Operation: Naughty Bits for months. I will say if we had shown up only planning to spend $100, we would have not had much fun. Expensive, but worth every penny!
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