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  • A few years back, due to health issues and frequent dentist visits, I actually filed a restraining order against doughnuts. Glazed, jelly, frosted, munchkins....all on my shit list. The attorney, whose number I found stapled to a telephone pole on Twain and Valley View, assisted in submitting my papers and notified me a week later via telegram that everything was filed. Doughnuts could not be within a 3 mile radius of my home residence. Thanks to Yelpers, I was informed that "Ace Donuts" had opened and that they were technically 2.8 miles away from my home. I was furious and tried calling my attorney. Her phone number was no longer in service nor did she have a Yelp business profile, email or website. It was like she never existed!! Strange. So I took matters into my own hands, armed with my court papers, and marched right into the store. I was ready to tear this place a new one. Then this little old Asian lady behind the counter stopped me before I could say anything and asked softly: "You know about cronuts?" Me: "Yes. I had one in NYC but was too drunk to remember if it was good." Lady: "We have blueberry, strawberry, raspberry and cinnamon today." Me (taking my wallet out quickly and nervously): "I'll take all of them plus an apple and glazed doughnut." I walked out of there in a daze with my box of sugared delights having been thoroughly owned, dominated and made that lady's bitch in less than 2 minutes. Cronuts didn't exist when I filed my restraining order. Maybe that was their legal loophole? My happy little taste buds were going through what could only be referred to as "multiple orgasms" as I ate the raspberry croissant doughnut. Flaky, doughy, sweet, tart, and heavenly, I couldn't wait to try the next one. All of them were amazing!! It was after the initial cronut that I took the restraining order papers, threw them in the garbage and set them ablaze. "Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymooooooooooore!!!"
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